i wonder why i self sabotage. or how to deal with the issues i have inside of me. i have problems trusting people. anyone in general. i make him bend for me in ways he shouldn't because i'm broken. its like hey i'm broken, so let me find ways to damage you too. i think some of my fears and insecurities are merited given my life experiences but i dont know how to react to them and how to deal with myself. no one's been able to help me to do that. and i dont know how. i've tried. tried doing different things in different ways to help myself and everything fails. i'm a good pretender. and i can pretend everything is all great when its not but i can only do that for so long. i bet he wishes he never met me and every burden i bring upon him. i gotta write some poetry. but even that has been such a challenge. nothing comes out right. its all wrong. i wish he could see me the way i saw myself. just for a moment. maybe he'd understand.

out of breath.

anacaona

new beginnings

^^ I HAVE AN APARTMENT!!! it's nice and cute, just perfect. I live with a girl named Dominique. She's Jamaican and is an absolute sweetheart. My parents came today and got me a bed, and some bins and brought me some food and other awesome stuff. I just finished cleaning... TWO HOURS LATER! everything is now put away and in their orderly places. This room actually looks twenty times better than my room at home. It has like a theme. Red, black and pink/orange. Most things adhere to that scheme. It's really nice and feels homey already which I really need it. I really feel like this is sanctuary. My parents like the place and their presence here made it feel homey. Nothing like a mom's touch to liven things up. They gave me a little bit of money, mostly enough to survive if I'm not going home for a week and then enough to get back home. They brought me tons of food so I'm thinking of the money as emergencies only. Honestly, I need to grow up and appreciate my parents. They've been amazing. 

laying down in my bed. =]

all smiles today folks. God is good.

anacaona

diaphragm expand

sometimes i don't wash my make up off before i go to bed

i want to feel beautiful in my dreams

sometimes i wash my make up off before i go to bed

let my skin breathe

so that i can feel beautiful in my dreams

i love being human

contradiction is lovely

getting ready for bed

anacaona

an accomplishment is an accomplishment no matter how big or small

i don't do this often but i guess it's time i write a bit of a goal list:

a. remember to breathe

b. learn what kind of prayer works for me (trying to establish my relationship with God)

c. get a 4.0 this semester. i dont care if i started two weeks late with no books, i will get on my grind and get my 4.0.

d. step my poetry game up. i gotta let my soul speak. its been too stressed.

e. find a place to live: last on the list because if it doesn't happen then i'll just keep bouncing around. school is my priority. breathing is my priority. 

its small but a start.

anacaona

concrete jungle where dreams are made of

I don't think Jay-Z gets enough credit. The man is an empire in and of himself. He was on Oprah. The Blueprint 3 is a dope album. Some songs are better than others but that was always going to be the case. like seriously, HE WAS ON OPRAH. he took Oprah to the Marcy Projects, had her chilling on a stoop and he was a bit starstruck.

if you can make it here...

anacaona

twitter.

twitter has allowed me to be funny and concise. people are too lazy to read. and actually interact. fuck punctuation and proper spelling.

*that was 136 characters. and i still had 4 characters left over.

the point being: the reason i like twitter is because my wit manifests itself in clever and quirky and sarcastic one liners. that's my charm. and it also allows me to write as many random thoughts as they pop up. and you know what? people don't judge it, they embrace it. if i said everything i thought in real life, people would judge. granted part of me wouldn't care, i usually don't pay attention to people's thoughts of me. but still they would judge.

bad point about twitter: no one has conversations it seems. AIM has been rendered useless by facebook and twitter and it's a shame. cause AIM was pretty impersonal to begin with. everyone just wants you to get straight to the point, no backstory, no explanation just state your point and let the world respond.

good point about twitter: trending topics let me know whats going on with the world. its Obama is a trending topic then I know he's probably giving a speech somewhere so I should tune in. if the Giants are a trending topic then I know there's a game and I should tune in. if #uknowurawhore is a trending topic then I know someone somewhere is a whore and does not know it though i hope they aren't finding out through twitter. cause that's a shame.

on that note, follow me on twitter @mespi5

anacaona

i'm a warhol already

I felt like a proper update is necessary.

So first and foremost I am back at school. I didn't think I was going to come back because truthfully, I'm not as happy at Temple as I should be. I don't want to think of college as a job. Something that you do to get to where you need to be but you don't enjoy it. It's college. It's more than just education, it's a life here. It's connections to be made and to be felt. If you don't like your college (and you're out of state) well that just makes unhappiness so much more expensive. I started two weeks late and I'm still struggling to catch up. It's intense. I still feel so behind like I get two steps ahead just to realize I'm still five steps behind. Constantly sacrificing one thing to just make ends meet academically. But I'm trying. And in this scenario, that's worth a lot. My decision to come back to philly was a haste one to say the least. One day I wasn't coming back and the next day I'm registering for classes. Mind you that whole registering fiasco was chaotic and not without its drama but I'll spare you the details. Given the fact that my decision was so abrupt (I use the word abrupt because that's what it was: an impromptu decision that disturbed a lot of things that were in order like my sanity) and I am out of state this can lead to the conclusion of "where are you living?" Great question. Currently I'm staying at my friends house. 

First week I was here I basically stayed somewhere new every night. I have good people that'll let me stay with them for a night of two but haven't found someone that'll let me crash for an extended amount of time. Granted, I'd be a burden. But damn it sometimes it feels so lonely. My stubbornness and my loneliness are enough to have me live out on the street just to prove that I don't need anyone. Unfortunately the weather has been atrocious so I've been forced to seek help. But help is temporary and when I'm "kicked" out, I have to be gracious that they even let me stay in the first place. I've come to the conclusion that home is not where you rest you head. My head has been resting on floors and on couches and on futons and on chairs and none of these places are home. Why? No one is welcoming. I stay in places and the people act like its a chore so I have to be as invisible as I possibly can, hoping that if I can act as if I don't exist that they'll let me stay there an extra day. I live out of duffel bags. Carry underwear, a toothbrush and deodorant among other things in my school bag. I'm homeless. I have places to call shelter but nowhere to call home. I went home this past weekend and slept for like 20 hours. I finally felt what it was like to sleep in my bed, MY own bed in a place I call home. I felt safe, I felt wanted and for the first time in a few weeks, I felt okay. I never realized before how much my parents give me comfort. They'll always take care of me. I've been living on my own since 13 (boarding school) and I've missed being their daughter. My mom made food and I swore I understood what soul food meant. Yes we aren't black, my mom doesn't make southern soul food but her cooking and eating real food made my insides feel normal. I've been on edge for weeks.

My depression is a constant struggle. back and forth, I have my good days and bad days. Depression doesn't go away. It's something you learn to deal with and control though somedays it has a mind of its own. Given the intense stress I've been under, it's been back full forth. I don't write this for pity. I write this because I know someone out there somewhere is reading this and won't feel so alone. I write this because maybe the thought of someone reading this and understanding will help me feel less alone. Being lonely is one of my worst fears. I have severe abandonment issues so needless to say, my living situation right now is not ideal for my emotions. My body was crazy out of wack due to the stresss. I lost weight and my hair was falling out, I was constantly fatigued and I had no appetite. I felt like I was just going through the motions, regaining enough composure to not bust out in tears.

Lately I've just felt numb. Like maybe if I just stop feeling, I can do something. So I've been trying to say strong long enough to do what I need to. And it was working until I hit a major road block. I thought I was gonna have a place to live and then something happened with the credit report. I didn't get denied but there's issues so my mom can't cosign. Mind you my mother gave me 50 dollars (all she had to give) so I can eat for the next week and half. I had to give 25 to the application fee. And now I have to apply again with my father as the cosigner instead and let me tell you, once I do that and give in another 25 dollars I will be dead broke. And it's only tuesday. 

Part of me feels like a failure. I'm 20 years old and what do I have to show for it: an ever changing relationship with my family, debt, loans I can't take out but I need to play for college, a semester that started out horribly, barely any money to feed myself and no place to live. But I keep telling myself that I'm alive. And that's a blessing in and of itself. I'm alive and breathing. And maybe I don't have anyone that way I wish I did but I'm learning to realize that I have myself. And one day I'm going to be enough for me. I just have got to get my life together. 

in other news, there's a mouse or two running around the living room of my friends house. The living room that I stay in. I'm trying real hard to stay composed but I'm NOT a fan of vermin. So I'm gonna go outside for a walk until I'm so tired I forget there's a mouse here. My boyfriend is coming to visit tomorrow. I'm grateful for him and his visit tomorrow. I need a familiar face. And me resting my head on his chest is home for me nowadays. 

missing home.

anacaona

facebook.

remember those days before facebook was such a big deal. i was thinking about it before and facebook is huge. think about it. 

example 1: the act of unfriending someone. talk about the ultimate diss. this action reads as "you aren't even good enough to know my religious views or the quirky things i put as my status" or "i dont want people to know that we are mutual friends". that's intense

example 2: the moment you put in a relationship. the questions start pouring in. or people start to "like" it and you're like who are you. i dont know you but you "like" my relationship.

i miss the days when my life was based on being social as opposed to based on social networks. 

don't worry twitter. i will blog about you too.

anacaona

things change.

he used to write poems about me.

not anymore.

when did things change?

pensive.

anacaona

evening inquiries

i started to think about relationships. more important the way that they form and develop. i am guilty of rushing. in my fear with rejection i just always want to know good or bad. (by relationships i dont always mean romantic) i am quick to put all my eggs in a basket or no eggs in a basket. i have a hard time finding a medium. go hard or go home has always been my motto. i just never know what the proper amount of caution is. i either throw caution to the wind or allow it to dominate me.

for example, how do you get to know someone? ex. my boyfriend way back in the day when we were just "talking" had said that he wanted to get to know me. when we choose to get to know someone, what are we expecting? is it one of those "i want to get to know you" so that this goes somewhere or just to get to know you? and what do you decide to get to know? and how do you know when that's enough? i've talked to people and when you ask them "tell me something about you" every one always comes up blank. like in all the years you have been alive, everything you've experience and everything you believe and have feelings about, there is nothing you can say. 

but i think sometimes when you go into something thinking it has to lead to something than you never really get to experience it the way you should. sometimes we taint the present with thoughts of the future. tomorrow has no place in today sometimes. 

i have a lot of these random thoughts.

anacaona

quick update

yesterday was my birthday but it was a piece of shit that it didnt even merit a blog acknowledgment. 

i dont deserve to be with him. he should just break up with me already.

my physics teacher is russian and has a ridiculous accent that i cannot understand.

i think i have bronchitis. =[ it hurts when i cough. sore throat. fever. 

ive been natural for 9 months. im proud of myself. 

ive been sad. every day. for the longest time. its hard pretending to be strong.

im scatter brained right now.

anacaona

labor day pains

i'm caught within a rock and a hard place. there's the decision i'm making to make people happy but its not really within my means and then i have there is the decision i want to make but that i will never be supported if i do it. the second choice is also a really scary big step that i never thought would be me. yes, im being vague. but i don't feel like being specific. 

being young has one horrible disadvantage: no one takes you seriously. the feelings i feel are always discredited by "adults" as being impulsive and a phase. when it fact being impulsive and spontaneous has nothing to do with making bad decisions. i've made bad decisions after thinking them through and then thinking some more. but the decision i want to make would be one of the happiest thing i'd ever do. nothing bad about it at all, it's just fast.

but everything in my life has been moving fast. nothing slows down. but nothing seems to be happening even though nothing is happening fast. 

in other news, i had the best few days with my boo. i cried like a hot mess on the greyhound bus saying good bye to him. argh, i felt like i was leaving part of myself behind. we definitely needed the time together. it was the most time that we have been together since being official. actually its the most time we've spent together since we've known each other. it was perfect. we went grocery shopping, made dinner, watched movies, took walks, i went to his job (he lifeguards so you can interpret this as me tanning...) we held hands everywhere. yes we were that nauseatingly cute couple and we were okay with that. ooooh we got on a boat. he made me paddle... he realized that i'm all about food. and he fed me consistently. i probably gained a good 5-6 lbs. i met his dad who is addicted to mafia wars. there were some awkward moments and one particularly cranky moment due to me and my lack of patience, but i'm not going to ruin the time with mentioning them. its old news. he's absolutely amazing. perfect for me. we really understand each other and want to take care of each other. its calming. granted he's making some decisions that make me sad but he has to do what's good for him. leaving him was one of the hardest thing i've had to do in a very long time. 

it's really hard to make decisions when you feel like you are on your own and have no safety net. that's how i feel. like i'm just throwing myself out on a limb with no type of support system. yes the boo supports but he has his own share of issues to solve. my parents are both distracted with different things: my mom is focused on my brother and my dad basically hates me. so both of those things just mean that i'm by myself trying to figure out my life. i'm 19. granted i'm turning 20 soon but i'm still young and i know that. i'd love some help. i seriously considered joining the army. i still might. but that would be one of those impulsive decisions that i'd make and i'd figure out the details way too late i.e. when i'm already committed to it. 

there's some decisions that i've made that i'm definitely going to wait and see how it pans out before i blog about it. fingers crossed. i'm finding myself praying more often. i'm not the religious type. but every once in a while, i'll look up and talk to someone. whether it's God or myself, i'm considering this talking out loud my form of prayer. my prayer doesn't consist of bible verses. but it does consist of belief. i think that's enough

i havent written a poem in a while. thumbs down to my writer's block.

i miss him.

anacaona

"i crossed the line didn't i?"

i have a tendency to try and make myself someone's only option so that i'm automatically the priority. this stems from always feeling like i was second best. if you are competing with no one, you automatically win. this mentality is crazy hazardous and i am trying to work through out. but i tell you after years of thinking like this and building walls up against people, breaking it is mighty hard. this manifests itself in my insecurities and my jealous tendencies. 

i've been going through a lot. clearly, my past posts have been ridiculous! and i think because my life is somewhat out of control i'm trying to grab ahold of the one thing that seems secure. which i suppose is my relationship right now. i can't have this aspect crumble the way everything else is. but like i said before i'm a self-sabotager. so i'll find ways to damage things that won't be damaged otherwise. so i think by me trying so hard to hold onto him that i'm just choking the patience out of him and he'll leave. 

i have serious abandonment issues. and i don't know where they come from. how bizarre. i'm usually pretty good at assessing myself. 

i'm taking steps to try and fix my life. but my parents seem to have thrown me away. in terms of i'm the only one making my decisions and they aren't lending any helping hands. i'm 19. that's a pretty difficult thing. they aren't even offering their input which i desperately need right now. i'm exploring a few options but this recession is no joke. and all my options involve some type of money. funny how money isn't the root to happiness but it can sure make shit a lot easier so that you are happy. i hope by the end of the wack i have something figured out. i kind of need something to rejuvenate me and give me motivation. i'm definitely lacking that. hopefully i find it soon. you ever just need support? that'd be me. 

i contemplated whether or not to be on depression medication again. i'm going to opt out of it. it just makes me so numb. but i'm able to function. but that numbness is unsettling sometimes. its as if life is happening and you aren't really there. at least thats how it was for me the last time i took medicine. 

i'm gonna start blogging about something other than my messed up state of mind. lol. i do have other thoughts people. i promise. but i don't feel like i have another outlet to vent to. crazy how i don't even know who i'm venting to but it makes me feel better. 

oooh so my 30 day poem challenge did not go that well. the first like 2.5 weeks were great. then the last week and a half was shaky. so i'm gonna try it again in october. i'm using september as a transition month to get my life in order. so hopefully once i do that, i can be in a state of mind to write. and do something. 

at a crossroads

anacaona

venting.

you ever look back at your life and say to yourself that you weren't supposed to be like this? 

i had all the potential in the world when i was growing up. i could be anything in the world and look at me now. the only thing i am is unhappy. it wasn't supposed to be like this. i feel like i got no one in my corner and i'm just fighting to keep my head above water. always fighting, my arms are tired. always running, my legs are tired. my heart hurts. 

nothing is going right. it's hard. i've been making decisions late and now i'm just assed out. i haven't slept in about three days. my life is in shambles. i got no one. i barely have myself and i know that's a shame. you should always be your greatest ally but if your not proud of urself, it's hard to support yourself. 

i'm being tempted by old habits. things that i have no business thinking of doing but old habits die hard. i'm shameful. and i'm sorry about the venting but i guess this was more for me than anyone else. 

i need to make some major changes in my life. but i don't know where to start. i made a list, well i attempted to make a list and it looked like chicken scratch. and i'm attempting to tackle this list but i keep falling into dead ends. tomorrow or i guess later today i'm gonna make some phone calls. maybe i can get my life back on track. 

i'm getting rid of my distractions. so i'm deactivating my facebook. and getting rid of my twitter. too many people have access to me and it's just not good. it's not like they're helping me. you can be in a room full of people and still feel alone. so i'm eliminating the room full of people and just dealing with myself. i hide behind unimportant things. defense mechanism. 

my family is disappointed in me. and have let me go so to speak. he hates me. and i don't blame him. who would want to be with me being the way that i am? ever feel like God gave up on you? maybe its karma. i gave up on God a long time ago, maybe my actions are being reciprocated. call it blasphemy if you want. 

i know i won't sleep tonight. i can feel it. new days can't come if you are still holding on to the old ones.

it wasn't supposed to be like this.

...

confessions

i've had too much inspiration
to contain in my fingers
(read: i haven't written a poem in days)
i've attempted crafty one liners
tried to separate my soul
into syllables and sentences
i've been unsuccessful
i can break
i'm good at breaking myself
i can build walls
and tear them down
but i've managed to cross my own boundaries
tear at my foundation
i don't exist anymore
i'm just surviving
my bank is hunched
i believe, permanently so
the weight of my world 
has replaced my vertebrae
there is nothing protecting my backbone 
but burdens
i'm weak
i kiss him like insecurities
pardon
i kiss him with insecurities
sometimes i might smell like sex
some mistake it for slut
but rape smells different to other people
my hands are soft
so maybe i haven't worked hard
but my feet are calloused
constant running 
has turned into a job
in and of itself
i keep my nails long
to leave scratches on his back
in case he forgets me
i have one of those
"excuse me what did you say that was" 
kind of names
so i've found ways to make myself memorable
cushion his dick
between the only walls i haven't managed to tear down
he calls me home
i guess that's close enough
i'm a crier
it's shameful
but sometimes when i can't breathe
the oxygen in my tears
can be soothing
it's amazing
the lies we tell ourselves to heal
all the crying in the world
won't reduce the amount of disappointment
i've cultivated
self-pity won't pay back loans
or give me one more chance
i'm overwhelmed
my mind is scattered 
i'm the bigger person
teenager forced to be an adult
too often
but never allowed to grow up
if you are a mother of three
with you're own life to lead
leave mine alone
blood relations is no excuse for bitch
i'm sorry for whatever you have been told
i dish out what i can take
if you can't then perhaps you should just mind your children
i am angry
i've had months of festering hatred
eating at my insides
my chest hurts
giving back the rib i never meant to borrow 
has left a gaping hole
i'm caving in on myself
there is no light
at the end of black holes
but i'd settle for disappearing
anything is better than crying
anything is better than this
i don't know has overtaken my vocabulary
years of schooling
years of life
have been reduced to uncertainty
i'm trying to be quiet
when you apologize for apologizing
it's like a double negative
you might as well have kept your mouth shut
i've been talking lately
just to keep from thinking
i'm dangerous
not in a attractive way
dangerous like
blood looks better when its on top of my skin
rather than being confined 
my organs are selfish
and unnecessary 
once i stop swallowing my pride
i won't need my stomach
i'm a smoker
killing myself slowly cause 
if i did it any faster they would call me selfish
and say they couldn't see it coming
lies go down easier 
when someone's voice is six feet under yours
i'm a drinker
illegal 
but if my mind could be on public display
you'd need a few drinks too
i'm a self sabotager
i can ruin my life without any help from you
call me self sufficient
but i'm all i need to hate myself
often i'm uncomfortable
do you hear her moans instead of mine
it's silly
but girlfriend and best friend
might be interchangeable 
i want a nickname
not now that i've announced but yesterday
a nickname would have been nice
but thats something between you two
bedsheets 
heavy breathing
pillow talk
nicknames
and my jealousy gets the best of me
yes i'm jealous
yes i admit it
perhaps you might leave me
i'm terribly scared of being alone
i enjoy my own company only as a last resort
i wouldn't wish me upon my worst enemy
yes i can be that bad
i'm scared of the dark
i hate not knowing
surprises make me nauseous
mistakes shouldn't be born
they should be covered up
i can be horrible
harsh.
did i say i was scattered?
cause if i didn't then i'm sorry
cause i am
i've traded in my metaphors
i don't like my as too much these days
trying to ground myself in reality
sometimes its not dark like anything
sometimes its just dark
i've had too much inspiration
to contain in my fingers
(read: i haven't written a poem in days)

*honest.

anacaona

crying while doing dishes = pathetic

i've had a troublesome day. case in point: i was washing some dishes like 15 minutes ago and i just started to cry it was one of those days. where nothing seems right. my family life is in shambles, my love life seems to be a mess and me as a person... well i just feel pathetic. ever have those moments where you get tired of fighting, tired of struggling. i wish i could just be. and i know people say it's simple. once you make the decision to just be, then it'll happen. my heart just hurts. my soul is all kinds of fatigued. i'm trying to keep my head above water. but for whatever reason, drama and problems just find me. it's like everything aligns to keep me from breathing. i don't know what it is. i don't remember doing anything to elicit this bad of karma. 

i'm trying to figure out what i can do. are there things i have to give up? i just feel so overwhelmingly lonely today. i haven't felt like this in a while. like i'm fighting a losing battle. it's easy to fight when you know you're going to win. but to know that no matter what you do, it'll never be enough can break you. and that's what i feel like today. i thought i'd be done with the depressing blogs for a while. i actually have a lot of productive blog ideas but today it was just too much for me. i didn't know what else to do or who to talk to. i keep getting yelled at or people get mad at me. and i don't know what i'm doing wrong. i'm trying so hard to be good. to stay out of trouble and just be happy. but the universe just seems to finds way to make me feel everything but happy. my surroundings just seem so unhealthy. i need a break. 

all kinds of broken. 

anacaona

you are nothing short of my everything

he's wonderful. and we are .... so i'm speechless and can't think of an adjective but i promise when i think of an adjective strong enough to define what we are then u got it folks.

all smiles today

anacaona

its silly really

he was supposed to call me at 8. he forgot. so i call him at like 805. call it silly but whatever. so then he called me back. because i called him not because he was supposed to call me at 8. i get upset. its windy in the background. so i tell him to call me later and hang up. he texts me and says he will not call me back until i learn to stop hanging up on people. 

we're constantly arguing or upset with each other. i hate it. it upsets me. maybe he doesn't want to see me on monday =[ its turning into one of those maybe we should quit while we're behind.

...

anacaona

family ties

i'm starting to understand what people mean when they say, the older you get, the closer you get to your parents. i hung out with my mother all day today. and it was great. we had conversation, we walked around, window shopped. it was effortless. my mother and i can be good friends one day. but as of right now, we're building a relationship. i hope i don't mess this one up anytime soon. 

my father and i on the other hand have not talked. in about 2 months. i've barely heard him talk in the past few weeks. it's tense. i don't know when its going to get better but it doesn't seem to be getting better any time soon.

you can pick your nose

but you can't pick your family.

anacaona.

hump day

People seldom do what they believe in. They do what is convenient, then repent.

ever have those moments where you have so much on your mind but can't put your finger on anyone thought? that's me right now.

insane in the membrane, 

anacaona