chockful of crap

Argh! I wish my frustration were audible. It would sound like UHDFASAISIAHSIABLHIO!! AOASIAHRBFHUFEHH! Yes, just like that. My "trip" to New York was superbly lame and unnecessary and on top of that I got yelled at by the parents... well mostly my mom, my dad is cool but jumps on the bandwagon (I should talk to him about succumbing to peer pressure). So long story short, I have one of those relationships with my parents where I'm consistently messing up mostly by discommunicating (new word yay) myself from them. And when I do try to patch things up, make more frequent phone calls or frequent trips... I get yelled at and reprimanded for sucking, which begins the cycle once again. I don't know how to get their forgiveness. When I try to ask for it, it never goes well and they make me feel horrible about myself. The worst: a lot of my feelings I don't know how to voice in spanish. So I just end up sounding like an idiot and it makes things worse. So I'll stay silent... which makes things worse. I just can't win. Then I try to talk to my brother but he'll say something to mom and then she misconstrues it which she then throws in my face making me upset at my brother therefore making things worse. It's a dangerous thing we keep playing. That's my vent for today.

Boy... so this boy... once again ARGH. I don't know what to think. At the end of the day, you should just be with the one who makes you happy, fuck societal standards and proper lady etiquette. You should move on from the past, embrace new beginnings and just be happy. And I do want to be happy. And most of the time (and by most I really do mean most... 23 hours out of the day I'm in one of those stupid smiling moods... and then one hour scattered throughout the day I think thoughts worthy of a pessimist) I am happy. Sidenote: For a poet I need to open my vocabulary up to another word other than happy. But I find myself wondering and trying to make this fit into a conventional proper arrangement of a male-female relationship. Like in our heads as women (well at least in this woman's head and some of my friends... I don't mean to categorize all women, Lord knows I'm just getting the hang of this whole woman thing) there's a sort of timeline. The length of the timeline depends on the two people but there's a chronological list we ideally would like to follow. Something like talking, courtship, exclusivity, commitment with title. And somewhere between exclusivity and titled commitment, the relationship should turn physical. The reason we like to place it there is because it provides a cushion, where you feel safe to give a part of yourself to someone since at this point they want more than just that. Courtship involves the whole dating process, getting to know someone, breaking walls... that sort of thing. Talking establishes the foundation. So yeah, and I understand it does everyone involved a disservice if I'm constantly comparing my relationship to the lists of perfection that float on in my head. But though human interactions rarely go as planned, there are certain standards that should be upheld. 

I'm conflicted. I've never been the type of leap without knowing where I was leaping to and without looking down at the space beneath me. And he's asking me to get outside my head, let go and just jump. But I'm not sure he's going to catch me. And I want to believe he will but is belief enough? Who knows. I guess the answer to the who knows should be that I should know but I don't. Or maybe (this is my latest hypothesis) I DO know. But I'm scared to admit it cause then I really would be opening myself up to a whole bunch of hurt. But with great risk comes great stuff...whoa thumbs down to me for forgetting that quotes... I think in this case, I just don't want to the risk to be one sided. I'm an advocate for reciprocity, there's not enough of that these days.

"If you wanted to be treated like a Queen, you have to act like one" B. Hargette's facebook page

*anacaona

murky day

It's a not so sunny day today in Philadelphia. But I am in a pretty content mood. Though I'm going home, and I'm not much of a fan of going home especially when it's to run an errand for my family on Monday mind you I have classes on Mondays. My family's priorities are a bit mixed up sometimes. But I owe them. So emergency errand on a Monday morning just to be back in Philly by the afternoon... hmmph so be it. 

Things like this remind me how beautiful my people are and how contagious our culture is. Enjoy... because I certainly do =] 

I haven't danced enough lately and I want to. I want to go to a party and be intoxicated by movement. Just the idea of it makes me happy. Maybe one of these days.

Just dance, it'll be okay dodododo

*anacaona

....get this love...

"I don't believe in commitment. That's like giving somebody the responsibility
of your happiness, like 'here, make sure that all my orgasms are great, that I
have somebody to hold on cold winter nights, & just assure me that if
anybody messes with me, you'll beat them up.' Other than that, I don't see the
point of marriage. But when I need my love, I get my love." -Michelle Rodriguez.

there's always a boy.

so let me explain my hiatuses because they've been happening more frequently. in a most blasphemous act, I have forgotten my blog password. yes, ladies and gentleman I have forgotten it. and thus cannot sign on. however, the technological universe aligns every so often and i am mysteriously and magically logged into blogspot thus allowing me to update my blog. it's fabulous and reminds me in little miracles. after all those are the ones worth living for. 

so there's this boy. always a boy apparently with me. but never one that sticks but hey that's not the point to be debated. i won't even give you the details of this boy, the details are for myself. keeping things private makes things real plus who wants to look like an idiot if things don't work... assuming they're venturing somewhere to work? hmmph not me. but i will say this. people should not put a limit on their relationships. don't say you don't want a relationship if you want the person. im a firm believer in growth and in nature in a certain sense. the laws of nature are simple: things are interdependent and things grow. the second one is the point i am trying to make. all things need to grow, change, develop, adapt. those that fail to do any of the above die way before they're time or are seen as damaged. therefore if you are in a relationship with me (not romantic just relationship in the pure sense of the word) then we're going to need to grow, go somewhere, change, experience life in a way i wouldn't have had you not been in my life. you need to make an impact not just an appearence. and your impending absence should be less impactful that your presence. your presence should be where my memories of you lie. so im going to need you to stop sucking. to put it honestly. don't condemn us to end before you help define the beginning. 

my second thought.... i need to stay true to my words and uphold my standard. as a woman, i tend to accommodate. change who i am to fit those around me. i change more for other people than they do for me. and the funny thing is people say i stay rigid and myself. but true chameleons change effortless but they know that they changed. and i do. time and time again. especially in romantic relationships. argh it makes me feel like less of a woman. though physically a woman's body is made to change to other people (i.e. sex and pregnancy) we change to let people in and change to let them out. they will grow inside us, bury themselves into us as if we were homes, change our composition, our make up... and then leave... yet spend the rest of their lives trying to find similar comfort in other women. so maybe our physically is an indicator for our emotional. our spiritual. 

im realizing more and more every day. that i just want honesty. i think if you're honest with your intentions, honest with yourself, honest with other people then trust grows out of that and out of trust comes possibilities for vulnerability which isn't always a bad thing. its genuine and sincere. i just want of life full of sweet sounding words with weight behind them. 

oh sidenote. i hate that people use the relationship mostly in a romantic sense. i have beautiful relationships with several people and some rather destructive relationships with other people and none of the relationships in either of those categories are romantic. some are platonic: same sex or different sex. whatever. though the topic of men and women being friends has always intrigued me. male and female relationships- friendship wise- ....hmmph someone is always hiding a portion of their intentions with the other. ... this is a blog for another day. 

hopefully i am kept logged in for a while. or i remember my password. 

"all i can do

is take each blow like a woman

and recognize when it's time to fall down" C.Peters

i keep pretty talented company,

anacaona

recession.

Times are hard.

That's all I want to say right now.

*anacaona

my recent obsession

I would always watch those shows that featured really girly girls that take a million hours to do their make up. I mean, the girls who said they would wake up an extra hour early to get ready for school. I was never that growing up. I liked sleep, and I was very low maintenance, still am. But something in me changed a few weeks ago. And I discovered make-up. Granted, I always had some make up. Mostly just foundation, eyeliner and chapstick. That was my arsenal. Sometimes I had eyeshadow but always in neutrals. I never thought I could wear crazy colors and what not. I also never saw the point. 

People are quick to say, oh she wears make up, I bet she's not confident in her appearance. I believe the opposite. Well for some women. I like my face, I think I have a pretty fly face. And I put on make up to bring out the things I want to. My face with make up and without make up looks pretty much the same. And I like it like that.

I discovered MASCARA. every magazine always says mascara is that one thing you should always have. never understood why. now I do. it really does bring out your eyes. that with a little blush and i'm pretty good to go. oh yeah, I also discovered blush. 

I also discovered the need for brushes. You can't have the paints and no tools. It just doesn't work that way. I don't put on make up every day. I think that's a bit too much. But I appreciate it and what it does. Given recession, I haven't been able to tear up Sephora. But one day I will. Till then Rite-Aid, CVS and Walgreens are just fine. But there are somethings I just have to splurge on. And I'm okay with that.

There's something to be said about a woman who pays attention to her appearance. You don't have to go all out but as you grow up, you learn to take pride in what you look like. So before when I was younger, I'd be getting ready for a date and I'd take 20 minutes. But now, I enjoy the process of pampering myself, and I take my time. Every day we do things for other people, but getting ready and prepared for the day should be your time. So take as long as you need. 

A blank canvas can be as beautiful as a fully painted one, we're just going to need things to be intentional. Be yourself with conviction and confidence. And when you can, a little make up never hurt anybody. =]

*anacaona

Hiatus

So I realize my last blog was in January. I couldn't remember my password. Truth be told, I still don't remember it but I magically typed in my URL and it said I was logged in. Probably some sign from the God I'm not sure I believe in. So thanks whoever, whatever. I owe you one. I'd be lying and somewhat ridiculous if I said nothing has happened to me in the past 3 months. That would be nothing but sheer blasphemy. 3 months is a considerable amount of time. Do you know what happens in three months? Baby's develop their umbilical cord. Granted that statement has nothing to do with me but we're going to go with it.

I have been feeling just about every emotion I could possibly feel. And for the people who read this, maybe not many but I believe in quality over quantity =] I am going to go through them and try my best to reveal.

Happy:

I've smiled. Like not those fake smiles you give people so that they don't ask you questions. But the smile that comes from your diaphragm and from your soul the way laughter is supposed to. And the best part? They came from simple things. Unextravagant milestones that made me feel human. I felt blessed. Lucky. Fortunate. I don't know. It was little things like having meetings that were productive and ending early. It was somebody texting me to tell me to keep my head up, when they didn't know about my problems. It was re-meeting people I had known for so long and appreciating them in a new light. It was people calling me to tell me I meant something to them. Even when I didn't think I impacted them that greatly. I smiled. And my smiles generally hope to be real and feel fresh. They did a few times this month and I needed it.

Sad:

Ever been overcome with an intense feeling? Sometimes I would just curl up into a ball and cry. For no rhyme or reason. But I just felt sad. Felt like my whole world had collapsed, and I had no idea where to start collecting the pieces. Or when I would manage to collect most of them, they all fell, into cracks too far for me to reach. So I was sad. 

Fatigued:

Not tired. Beyond tired. The kind of tired that affects your soul and your mentality. Like your whole being just wants to sigh. And collapse. And no amount of sleep will make you feel alert. Just none. But you end up sleeping for hours, for days. Just hoping it'll work. And then you remember, beds aren't for souls, they're for bodies.

Anger:

This was the feeling that I felt the most. Pure, unfiltered, held in, tongue-biting anger. It ate me up inside, still is. Gnawing away at whatever is left of my youth and my sanity. I'm scared I'm going to end up a bitter old woman by the time I'm 20. 

Disappointment:

My heart got kind of broken. Maybe not broken, but bruised. My optimism suffered and my pessimism attempted to heal it. On top of that, I feel like a disappointment to my family. Mostly cause for whatever reason I try and distance myself from them. But I'm happiest when my family and I are on good terms. I don't know. My masochism is disappointing, I'm better than that.

Elation:

Before the broken heart happened, I was on top of the world. Felt like I was on top of the world for investing my time and energy into worthy endeavors. This is one step beyond happy. I wasn't just happy for present events, I was actually looking forward to the future. And I NEVER do that. I'm too pessimistic. But I did and while everything was looking up, I smiled from the inside. Never been so elated like that. 

Alive:

Feeling human feels good. I felt every feeling truely and genuinely without sugarcoating anything. Things hit me hard and I felt them deeply, good or bad. 

Private:

I've been keeping secrets of myself from everyone. I feel like I have things that just belong to me. I have a habit of blabbing things. But I hide the bad things knowing that I need help. Like this guy I talked to, I didn't mention him to people for a while or at all to some extent and I felt great. Like I had something that was just mine and was away from public scrutinization. Or my issues I haven't said anything. I think most people don't even know anything is wrong. I don't like people knowing things about me anymore. I think it makes me more appealing.

I've been writing and performing more. Had a panic attack because I messed up on stage which I never do but so many things have been happening that it all culminated when I was on stage. Funny how that happens. The stage is the best mirror you can ever have. My writing has gotten better I think. More truthful, less gimicky. So I've been relying less on metaphors. It's gotten a little bit more prose but not enough to detract from my style which is more romantic. I'm trying to develop my personal voice but more on that in another blog post. 

I think that's a low for one blog post. I'm gonna be more consistent. I promise folks.

Question: How do you get over missing someone who was never meant to be yours in the first place?

Dwell on that.

anacaona*

(yes i'm going by my alias. i love it so its my tag.)