lesson maybe learned

i just wanted to be with him. and wanted him to be open to the ideas. i learned my lesson. you can't convince someone of your worth. sometimes the blind aren't meant to see. 

random

"i'm leaving and i don't know when i'll be back but i'll text you" argh. ever been kicked out of an environment you're completely comfortable with? swear to gosh, i let my guard down. nah son, shit's back up. seriously, i guess he's trying to keep me hanging on some kind of string. he doesn't know what he wants... whats new? argh. 

so let me veer clear of that topic...

Sonia Sotomayor.... nominated for Supreme Court Justice. Latina woman from the Bronx. we're making moves. it's a beautiful thing. hard work will get you somewhere. in this case, just the nomination means something. i mean, last year... no one would have even thought she'd be nominated. Obama, keep on causing some ruckus in the white house. go for it, i support you 100%. 

in other news, i know this is old but i watch it in disbelief. just because it's hilarious. i like things that make me laugh. granted, my guy friends refuse to watch it. which makes me wonder why people are homophobic. it's not contagious. and believe it or not, all gay people aren't attracted to everyone. people like what they like and assuming someone is going to like you or find you sexually/ romantically appealing just because they're gay is the most arrogant, self-centered thing ever. on that note, cali fucked up. thumbs down to cali. i believe in live and let live, love and let love, oh and stop being freaking ridiculous. everyone should have the right to be happy and be human. afterall, we're all God's children. and it sucks that in the majority of states people aren't free to love the way i'm allowed to or to think about the future of relationships that way i can. people should be people. and love is love, as long as its genuine, then its beautiful. and for that matter some heterosexual (opposite lmao) people shouldn't be allowed to get married. some of them are so dysfunctional and destroy the sanctity of marriage. if gay people aren't allowed to be married, then they aren't the ones fucking up the divorce rate. oh cause guess what the church looks down on divorce too. sheesh

anacaona

insomnia

so i'm laying in bed and i'm thinking to myself...could i really be with someone who never wants a change of scenery? sometimes, i feel trapped. stuck in a situation where he refuses to appreciate new views. Boy never wants to go anywhere with me, like we don't even go to wendy's . He's complacent in the same place. sometimes it'd be nice to see something new with someone who makes you feel new. i don't know if i can do it folks. i like to be outside, experience life, be with someone who would like to be seen with me, i'm fairly fly looking. i always feel under the radar. but just with him. oh and this other boy. lets call other boy2. this boy2 is from my past... and we played a nonchalant game of flirty russian roulette for months. one day i'd see him, no attention. the next day, no attention. one random day, mad attention. next day, no attention... attention all used up. it shouldn't be that complicated. being happy shouldn't be complex. it should just be. natural and beautiful. i want something beautiful. gosh.

and comparison's are never good. so i wont compare him to other people. things with him aren't that serious, he's good at reminding me of that. so i have options open. there's something oddly magnetic about him. its not like i keep coming back, but more like i'm okay with staying.

i got a compliment today. someone told me my new york poem was somewhat perfect. i felt honored. the poem felt like a milestone to me when i was writing it. its what i do best. love poems and metaphors... the marriage of the two equals my poetry. the reality of the those two equals my sadness. i mean, when you write about things you don't feel and don't have, it's like a sad reminder of the things you feel like you're not supposed to have. get me? yes i'm young. but loneliness feels strong at any age... i was almost about to say the same but thats not exactly what i'm trying to convey. but back to the poem... i'm proud of it. i'm performing it on thursday at this venue in philly. thumsb up for me. i'm trying to get into this performing game hard core. but i'm still trying to find my poetic voice in terms of performing. my voice sounds uncomfortable on a stage, it doesn't do my words justice. anyone feel like coaching me? sweet.

i read this quote somewhere that talked about your soul shows itself at two times: fear and joy. how do you get someone to stop being scared so you can just be?

my neck, abdomen and ears all break out when exposed to costume jewlery. im allergic to fake shit. it's in my genes. what's a woman gotta do to be around real people? who are honest in their intentions... we all have intentions and expectations, its just a matter of how open we are to having those intentions and expectations be shattered to the actuality of life.

to the term catching a nap... what do i do once i caught it? do i cage it?
anacaona

new york

He's reminiscent of night time New York

wears labels like streets signs

smells better than home before pollution claims the scent

eyes like skyscraper windows

that sparkle like stars on a backdrop of unfulfilled stereotypes

he pretends to be cool

pretends to be the gold paved streets that I see in my

hand-me-down immigrant dreams

but i know the truth

know that no yellow brick road will ever lay beneath his feet

i know how to find his pain hidden among alleyways

his own light 

scares him

so i'll let him borrow some of mine

and in the event

that New York City is rendered unconscious and

we are thrusted into darkness once again

i'll make sure he still shines

cause he is indescribable

so i'm reduced to 

rambling and slight stutters

syllables and words that sound like what they mean

oooh's and aah's

yes's and stay with me's

have all garnered new found respect in my vocabulary

he just looks so good

doesn't compare me to Bronx streetlights

but just like the Queens he adores

he spends his nights with me

knighting me humble, caressing the crown of my head

traces hands along my abdomen 

confusing me with handrails

plays music on the ribs i borrow from him

like subway entertainment

so i offer him pennies for his thoughts

and body heat in exchange for potential

cause i want to ride this out

take it to the end of the tracks

and as he pulls in and tags my station

i want to conduct him a symphony

of gunshots that sound like breakbeats

he can be as dangerous as

tourists claim this to be

the streets have no rules

so i should proceed with caution

should i proceed at all

and all i want is to write my intentions 

into his genetic make up

so he can't make up excuses for running

cause his lips seem to take more than just my breath away

he's taken our past

and kissed it away like childhood injuries

no wonder i call him my boo

reverting back to childlike ways

i just want to play hopscotch on his freckles

and swim in the space created between curve of neck and collarbone

place quarters on his chest

and convert bellybutton into wishing well

he just looks that good

almost forbidden

like breaking curfew in the city of insomniacs

where happily ever afters

are best kept to 3am rendezvous

the same time New York City breathes

and slightly snores

chest elevated, raising and dropping

to his heartbeat

he ends up being the pulse of the city i'm comparing him to

the soul of the streets mimick the soles of his sneakers

life in his veins like traffic

i want to map his idiosyncrasies on my skin

carry his lips on my spine like backpacks

cause he

in all his subdued flory

reminds me

that in a city of millions

sometimes

all you need is

one.

missing you

recap of the weekend: I ended up in Delaware. Gotta love life sometimes. I mean, my sister Mel gave me some advice that I'm going to relay to all my single people. She has a boyfriend and she's super happy and I was complaining to her about being single and she told me "you're young. and you're single. those two together are perfect. just love life." and I've been keeping that to heart. so when things present themselves and I'm not quite sure about it, I do it anyway. I want to have as little amount of regrets in my life. And people always end up regretting the things they didn't do then those things they actually did. So with that being said, I was in Delaware with my sisters and it was phenomenal. Going to DE reminds me why I love being me and being around these women. They are a blessing. It was just a great random spontaneous time. The way summers should be when you're young, single and happy. 

sooo I'm going to explain this title... which was not my suggestion. It was boy's suggestion. So I don't think I've painted a correct picture of him. Boy is awkward. Socially awkward, not emotional, a little bit rigged and stiff, tends to refrain for talking to me in public, doesn't engage in PDA public displays of attention (boy hardly talks to me in public assuming we're going out somewhere which we don't so by public I mean the elevator) he's peculiar and has his own multitude of habits that I seemingly weave into my life to adapt to him (women and our accommodating nature... sheesh)..... so my trip to DE was super spontaneous. I got there at 5am Saturday morning after a party I had gone to Friday night. And I usually spend all my night time with dude watching movies. He gets chinese food, I pick a bad movie, we start watching the bad movie, he hates the bad movie, judges me and picks a really good movie that I complain about so he puts back the bad movie to make me happy and then we knock out. Good routine. But I was in DE and it was with no notice. So let me tell you I come back Sunday night, and he tells me that he missed me, and he's smiling cause he's so happy to see me. We're laying and watching the movie and he goes "I missed you" and then he turns away and says Oh my God to himself because apparently he hasn't missed someone in a long time. we'll duh, it's me! I'm freaking awesome. but besides the point. I told him I was going to blog about it and I needed a title, and he suggested the one above. so that's the story.

I'm performing at some event thing on thursday. and i have a rehearsal tomorrow. and i have no apparent clue what I'm going to perform. and i have to have this memorized wowzers. I'm a winner. hopefully someone can record me performing. cause honestly, there's no footage of me performing and I'd really like some. so that I can just add it to a portfolio of sorts. it'd be cool if people could go to youtube, look me up and be like yo she's dope. because for the record, there are amazing poets in the world who aren't on def poetry or brave new voices... so if these are your standard of poetry, go to the streets, to the communities, to the people and hear them. and then make your choices. not saying that def poetry or BNV aren't good, it just sucks when people think that's all there is or that you're not good if you aren't in either of those arenas.

i'll probably post up later. i've been in a blogging mood. 

anacaona

Why do we like people? I just finished watching this movie called Neo Ned. About this white guy named Ned who in a quest for a family becomes a Neo-Nazi skinhead (which fuels him to a life of trouble which he does in an attempt to mirror a father who spent more time in jail than in playground with his son) and ends up in a mental institution where he meets a self admitted damaged black woman who believes she is Adolf Hitler plagued with postpartum depression and manic depressive syndrome (played by Gabrielle Union). Needless to say, they fall in love. And watching this movie, I kind of knew it was going to happen. I mean it's Gabrielle Union. It was just a matter of what moment was going to make them fall in love and then why. What about these two people attracted the other? And I watched it. Rewound the beginning section until the part where they fall in love. and I don't know. Folks I tell you I studied this. Earlier today I watched another movie... The Cutting Edge 3. A mexican amateur hockey player is found by a talented, nearly Gold medal winning male figure skater in need of a partner. They were not supposed to fall in love, they were to keep it business. Yet they do. And I don't know when. This movie to was rewound, studied and dissected. And folks, I still don't know. 

Sidenote: for those judging my movie tastes, keep it to yourself. I enjoy my movies. And on days I'm curled up, straight to TV movies or movies where Gabrielle Union stars as Adolf Hitler, hey I'm all about it. 

How do people fall for each other? I wonder. And why? Physically I know attraction is based on chemical reactions with the sense of smell. The sense of smell is a powerful thing, people often neglect it. Pheromones are intense and can initially tie a person to a memory. That's why when people say hmmph I don't know why I like them just wait until they smell a familiar scent and smile. But that was a digression, sorry. Back to my rant. So you know how I'm always one for my boy stories. So this boy, I feel like he needs a name but because I'm blogging I'm going to keep him relatable. Everyone knows a boy, they might not know a Jake or a Luis or a Damon. But they most certainly know a boy. Okay so back. This boy who I'm entangled with drives me insane. Kind of like he doesn't know what he's doing with me but likes me but won't admit it and would rather drive me crazy then drive me happy. But I stick with him. I'm a sucker for loyalty. But anyhoo, I proceeded to tell my friend about him. And my friend, asks me "if he drives you crazy much then why do you hang around? You're smarter than that and could easily walk away so why don't you?" And then it hit me, I cannot come up with one plausible cause as to why I like this dude. No words. No explanations. I'm not even sure that I like him. But something keeps me where I am, gravitating towards him. And that unknown reason is more than enough. But when did it happen? Like when did I decide to keep coming back or that I even minorly enjoyed his company. I think it happened when he decided he enjoyed mine. See I'm a sucker for a few things: romance and reciprocity among them. I like things to be mutual. And once they are, I feel safe. Safe enough to even kind of sort of potentially maybe one day decide that I could actually on a good day like him. But when did it happen? What moment did we find ourselves in that I was like whoa, I fancy this cat. No freaking clue. 

And I watched all these movies, trying to figure it out. Seriously. The first moment where two people look at each other and you know they don't want to look anywhere else again. Maybe if I can see where it happens I can recreate it. But would I really want to recreate magic? Hmmph. I don't know. 

I would have punched that little kid. Call me a bitch if you want. But I've learned one thing: people who fuck with destiny should get punched in the face.

Serendipity: such a nice sounding word for what it means - a fortunate accident.

maybe that's all this is: fortune and accidental. 

anacaona

household chores

 I've been in a poem writing frenzy which is such a refreshing feeling. But I haven't posted any of them up... so I'll post one right now. It's short cause I just posted a long blog and didn't want to flood the market.

I find myself getting comfortable

with the idea of us

find myself washing your dishes

one and a time

wondering if I could wash away your fears

sponge away at your insecurities

and let them disappear 

among tap water and edible debris

i don't want to compare you to household chores

soap bubbles don't fly the way childhood ones do

the way we should and the way we would

if our relationship wasn't polluted 

with specks of unidentified baggage

so my hands will trace plates

attempt to airdry the silver-lining in our emotional clouds of gray

until they look gold

transforming dishwashing into alchemy

letting you sink wholeheartedly

and protect you before you're in too deep

baptize you with tap water tears

and a touch bred to feel like home.

in case its gone unnoticed, i'm a romantic. always have been.

but i'm a pessimist. how the two co-exist is beyond me.

anacaona