Monday, April 6, 2009


Times are hard.
That's all I want to say right now.


my recent obsession

I would always watch those shows that featured really girly girls that take a million hours to do their make up. I mean, the girls who said they would wake up an extra hour early to get ready for school. I was never that growing up. I liked sleep, and I was very low maintenance, still am. But something in me changed a few weeks ago. And I discovered make-up. Granted, I always had some make up. Mostly just foundation, eyeliner and chapstick. That was my arsenal. Sometimes I had eyeshadow but always in neutrals. I never thought I could wear crazy colors and what not. I also never saw the point. 

People are quick to say, oh she wears make up, I bet she's not confident in her appearance. I believe the opposite. Well for some women. I like my face, I think I have a pretty fly face. And I put on make up to bring out the things I want to. My face with make up and without make up looks pretty much the same. And I like it like that.

I discovered MASCARA. every magazine always says mascara is that one thing you should always have. never understood why. now I do. it really does bring out your eyes. that with a little blush and i'm pretty good to go. oh yeah, I also discovered blush. 

I also discovered the need for brushes. You can't have the paints and no tools. It just doesn't work that way. I don't put on make up every day. I think that's a bit too much. But I appreciate it and what it does. Given recession, I haven't been able to tear up Sephora. But one day I will. Till then Rite-Aid, CVS and Walgreens are just fine. But there are somethings I just have to splurge on. And I'm okay with that.

There's something to be said about a woman who pays attention to her appearance. You don't have to go all out but as you grow up, you learn to take pride in what you look like. So before when I was younger, I'd be getting ready for a date and I'd take 20 minutes. But now, I enjoy the process of pampering myself, and I take my time. Every day we do things for other people, but getting ready and prepared for the day should be your time. So take as long as you need. 

A blank canvas can be as beautiful as a fully painted one, we're just going to need things to be intentional. Be yourself with conviction and confidence. And when you can, a little make up never hurt anybody. =]


Sunday, April 5, 2009


So I realize my last blog was in January. I couldn't remember my password. Truth be told, I still don't remember it but I magically typed in my URL and it said I was logged in. Probably some sign from the God I'm not sure I believe in. So thanks whoever, whatever. I owe you one. I'd be lying and somewhat ridiculous if I said nothing has happened to me in the past 3 months. That would be nothing but sheer blasphemy. 3 months is a considerable amount of time. Do you know what happens in three months? Baby's develop their umbilical cord. Granted that statement has nothing to do with me but we're going to go with it.

I have been feeling just about every emotion I could possibly feel. And for the people who read this, maybe not many but I believe in quality over quantity =] I am going to go through them and try my best to reveal.

I've smiled. Like not those fake smiles you give people so that they don't ask you questions. But the smile that comes from your diaphragm and from your soul the way laughter is supposed to. And the best part? They came from simple things. Unextravagant milestones that made me feel human. I felt blessed. Lucky. Fortunate. I don't know. It was little things like having meetings that were productive and ending early. It was somebody texting me to tell me to keep my head up, when they didn't know about my problems. It was re-meeting people I had known for so long and appreciating them in a new light. It was people calling me to tell me I meant something to them. Even when I didn't think I impacted them that greatly. I smiled. And my smiles generally hope to be real and feel fresh. They did a few times this month and I needed it.

Ever been overcome with an intense feeling? Sometimes I would just curl up into a ball and cry. For no rhyme or reason. But I just felt sad. Felt like my whole world had collapsed, and I had no idea where to start collecting the pieces. Or when I would manage to collect most of them, they all fell, into cracks too far for me to reach. So I was sad. 

Not tired. Beyond tired. The kind of tired that affects your soul and your mentality. Like your whole being just wants to sigh. And collapse. And no amount of sleep will make you feel alert. Just none. But you end up sleeping for hours, for days. Just hoping it'll work. And then you remember, beds aren't for souls, they're for bodies.

This was the feeling that I felt the most. Pure, unfiltered, held in, tongue-biting anger. It ate me up inside, still is. Gnawing away at whatever is left of my youth and my sanity. I'm scared I'm going to end up a bitter old woman by the time I'm 20. 

My heart got kind of broken. Maybe not broken, but bruised. My optimism suffered and my pessimism attempted to heal it. On top of that, I feel like a disappointment to my family. Mostly cause for whatever reason I try and distance myself from them. But I'm happiest when my family and I are on good terms. I don't know. My masochism is disappointing, I'm better than that.

Before the broken heart happened, I was on top of the world. Felt like I was on top of the world for investing my time and energy into worthy endeavors. This is one step beyond happy. I wasn't just happy for present events, I was actually looking forward to the future. And I NEVER do that. I'm too pessimistic. But I did and while everything was looking up, I smiled from the inside. Never been so elated like that. 

Feeling human feels good. I felt every feeling truely and genuinely without sugarcoating anything. Things hit me hard and I felt them deeply, good or bad. 

I've been keeping secrets of myself from everyone. I feel like I have things that just belong to me. I have a habit of blabbing things. But I hide the bad things knowing that I need help. Like this guy I talked to, I didn't mention him to people for a while or at all to some extent and I felt great. Like I had something that was just mine and was away from public scrutinization. Or my issues I haven't said anything. I think most people don't even know anything is wrong. I don't like people knowing things about me anymore. I think it makes me more appealing.

I've been writing and performing more. Had a panic attack because I messed up on stage which I never do but so many things have been happening that it all culminated when I was on stage. Funny how that happens. The stage is the best mirror you can ever have. My writing has gotten better I think. More truthful, less gimicky. So I've been relying less on metaphors. It's gotten a little bit more prose but not enough to detract from my style which is more romantic. I'm trying to develop my personal voice but more on that in another blog post. 

I think that's a low for one blog post. I'm gonna be more consistent. I promise folks.

Question: How do you get over missing someone who was never meant to be yours in the first place?

Dwell on that.

(yes i'm going by my alias. i love it so its my tag.)