Sunday, April 5, 2009


So I realize my last blog was in January. I couldn't remember my password. Truth be told, I still don't remember it but I magically typed in my URL and it said I was logged in. Probably some sign from the God I'm not sure I believe in. So thanks whoever, whatever. I owe you one. I'd be lying and somewhat ridiculous if I said nothing has happened to me in the past 3 months. That would be nothing but sheer blasphemy. 3 months is a considerable amount of time. Do you know what happens in three months? Baby's develop their umbilical cord. Granted that statement has nothing to do with me but we're going to go with it.

I have been feeling just about every emotion I could possibly feel. And for the people who read this, maybe not many but I believe in quality over quantity =] I am going to go through them and try my best to reveal.

I've smiled. Like not those fake smiles you give people so that they don't ask you questions. But the smile that comes from your diaphragm and from your soul the way laughter is supposed to. And the best part? They came from simple things. Unextravagant milestones that made me feel human. I felt blessed. Lucky. Fortunate. I don't know. It was little things like having meetings that were productive and ending early. It was somebody texting me to tell me to keep my head up, when they didn't know about my problems. It was re-meeting people I had known for so long and appreciating them in a new light. It was people calling me to tell me I meant something to them. Even when I didn't think I impacted them that greatly. I smiled. And my smiles generally hope to be real and feel fresh. They did a few times this month and I needed it.

Ever been overcome with an intense feeling? Sometimes I would just curl up into a ball and cry. For no rhyme or reason. But I just felt sad. Felt like my whole world had collapsed, and I had no idea where to start collecting the pieces. Or when I would manage to collect most of them, they all fell, into cracks too far for me to reach. So I was sad. 

Not tired. Beyond tired. The kind of tired that affects your soul and your mentality. Like your whole being just wants to sigh. And collapse. And no amount of sleep will make you feel alert. Just none. But you end up sleeping for hours, for days. Just hoping it'll work. And then you remember, beds aren't for souls, they're for bodies.

This was the feeling that I felt the most. Pure, unfiltered, held in, tongue-biting anger. It ate me up inside, still is. Gnawing away at whatever is left of my youth and my sanity. I'm scared I'm going to end up a bitter old woman by the time I'm 20. 

My heart got kind of broken. Maybe not broken, but bruised. My optimism suffered and my pessimism attempted to heal it. On top of that, I feel like a disappointment to my family. Mostly cause for whatever reason I try and distance myself from them. But I'm happiest when my family and I are on good terms. I don't know. My masochism is disappointing, I'm better than that.

Before the broken heart happened, I was on top of the world. Felt like I was on top of the world for investing my time and energy into worthy endeavors. This is one step beyond happy. I wasn't just happy for present events, I was actually looking forward to the future. And I NEVER do that. I'm too pessimistic. But I did and while everything was looking up, I smiled from the inside. Never been so elated like that. 

Feeling human feels good. I felt every feeling truely and genuinely without sugarcoating anything. Things hit me hard and I felt them deeply, good or bad. 

I've been keeping secrets of myself from everyone. I feel like I have things that just belong to me. I have a habit of blabbing things. But I hide the bad things knowing that I need help. Like this guy I talked to, I didn't mention him to people for a while or at all to some extent and I felt great. Like I had something that was just mine and was away from public scrutinization. Or my issues I haven't said anything. I think most people don't even know anything is wrong. I don't like people knowing things about me anymore. I think it makes me more appealing.

I've been writing and performing more. Had a panic attack because I messed up on stage which I never do but so many things have been happening that it all culminated when I was on stage. Funny how that happens. The stage is the best mirror you can ever have. My writing has gotten better I think. More truthful, less gimicky. So I've been relying less on metaphors. It's gotten a little bit more prose but not enough to detract from my style which is more romantic. I'm trying to develop my personal voice but more on that in another blog post. 

I think that's a low for one blog post. I'm gonna be more consistent. I promise folks.

Question: How do you get over missing someone who was never meant to be yours in the first place?

Dwell on that.

(yes i'm going by my alias. i love it so its my tag.)


rio tapatio said...

cool to see your back. very good post, i enjoyed reading about all the different emotions. definetly relateable :)

Choir Boy said...

Glad to have you back on the blog spot. I'm definitely looking forward to more post.

I'm pretty sure many can relate to the feelings you've had in the past three months. It's a part of life. I'm right there with you.

I.Am.Spoken.Word. said...

may i just say that you are especially witty and honest. you give just enough to make your point and leave it at that.

i'm sorry that i've waited until now to make an appearance.

thanks for sharing your thoughts, sis.