Saturday, October 17, 2009

i wonder why i self sabotage. or how to deal with the issues i have inside of me. i have problems trusting people. anyone in general. i make him bend for me in ways he shouldn't because i'm broken. its like hey i'm broken, so let me find ways to damage you too. i think some of my fears and insecurities are merited given my life experiences but i dont know how to react to them and how to deal with myself. no one's been able to help me to do that. and i dont know how. i've tried. tried doing different things in different ways to help myself and everything fails. i'm a good pretender. and i can pretend everything is all great when its not but i can only do that for so long. i bet he wishes he never met me and every burden i bring upon him. i gotta write some poetry. but even that has been such a challenge. nothing comes out right. its all wrong. i wish he could see me the way i saw myself. just for a moment. maybe he'd understand.

out of breath.

Saturday, October 10, 2009

new beginnings

^^ I HAVE AN APARTMENT!!! it's nice and cute, just perfect. I live with a girl named Dominique. She's Jamaican and is an absolute sweetheart. My parents came today and got me a bed, and some bins and brought me some food and other awesome stuff. I just finished cleaning... TWO HOURS LATER! everything is now put away and in their orderly places. This room actually looks twenty times better than my room at home. It has like a theme. Red, black and pink/orange. Most things adhere to that scheme. It's really nice and feels homey already which I really need it. I really feel like this is sanctuary. My parents like the place and their presence here made it feel homey. Nothing like a mom's touch to liven things up. They gave me a little bit of money, mostly enough to survive if I'm not going home for a week and then enough to get back home. They brought me tons of food so I'm thinking of the money as emergencies only. Honestly, I need to grow up and appreciate my parents. They've been amazing. 

laying down in my bed. =]
all smiles today folks. God is good.

Tuesday, September 29, 2009

diaphragm expand

sometimes i don't wash my make up off before i go to bed
i want to feel beautiful in my dreams
sometimes i wash my make up off before i go to bed
let my skin breathe
so that i can feel beautiful in my dreams
i love being human
contradiction is lovely

getting ready for bed

an accomplishment is an accomplishment no matter how big or small

i don't do this often but i guess it's time i write a bit of a goal list:

a. remember to breathe
b. learn what kind of prayer works for me (trying to establish my relationship with God)
c. get a 4.0 this semester. i dont care if i started two weeks late with no books, i will get on my grind and get my 4.0.
d. step my poetry game up. i gotta let my soul speak. its been too stressed.
e. find a place to live: last on the list because if it doesn't happen then i'll just keep bouncing around. school is my priority. breathing is my priority. 

its small but a start.

concrete jungle where dreams are made of

I don't think Jay-Z gets enough credit. The man is an empire in and of himself. He was on Oprah. The Blueprint 3 is a dope album. Some songs are better than others but that was always going to be the case. like seriously, HE WAS ON OPRAH. he took Oprah to the Marcy Projects, had her chilling on a stoop and he was a bit starstruck.

if you can make it here...


twitter has allowed me to be funny and concise. people are too lazy to read. and actually interact. fuck punctuation and proper spelling.

*that was 136 characters. and i still had 4 characters left over.

the point being: the reason i like twitter is because my wit manifests itself in clever and quirky and sarcastic one liners. that's my charm. and it also allows me to write as many random thoughts as they pop up. and you know what? people don't judge it, they embrace it. if i said everything i thought in real life, people would judge. granted part of me wouldn't care, i usually don't pay attention to people's thoughts of me. but still they would judge.

bad point about twitter: no one has conversations it seems. AIM has been rendered useless by facebook and twitter and it's a shame. cause AIM was pretty impersonal to begin with. everyone just wants you to get straight to the point, no backstory, no explanation just state your point and let the world respond.

good point about twitter: trending topics let me know whats going on with the world. its Obama is a trending topic then I know he's probably giving a speech somewhere so I should tune in. if the Giants are a trending topic then I know there's a game and I should tune in. if #uknowurawhore is a trending topic then I know someone somewhere is a whore and does not know it though i hope they aren't finding out through twitter. cause that's a shame.

on that note, follow me on twitter @mespi5

i'm a warhol already

I felt like a proper update is necessary.

So first and foremost I am back at school. I didn't think I was going to come back because truthfully, I'm not as happy at Temple as I should be. I don't want to think of college as a job. Something that you do to get to where you need to be but you don't enjoy it. It's college. It's more than just education, it's a life here. It's connections to be made and to be felt. If you don't like your college (and you're out of state) well that just makes unhappiness so much more expensive. I started two weeks late and I'm still struggling to catch up. It's intense. I still feel so behind like I get two steps ahead just to realize I'm still five steps behind. Constantly sacrificing one thing to just make ends meet academically. But I'm trying. And in this scenario, that's worth a lot. My decision to come back to philly was a haste one to say the least. One day I wasn't coming back and the next day I'm registering for classes. Mind you that whole registering fiasco was chaotic and not without its drama but I'll spare you the details. Given the fact that my decision was so abrupt (I use the word abrupt because that's what it was: an impromptu decision that disturbed a lot of things that were in order like my sanity) and I am out of state this can lead to the conclusion of "where are you living?" Great question. Currently I'm staying at my friends house. 

First week I was here I basically stayed somewhere new every night. I have good people that'll let me stay with them for a night of two but haven't found someone that'll let me crash for an extended amount of time. Granted, I'd be a burden. But damn it sometimes it feels so lonely. My stubbornness and my loneliness are enough to have me live out on the street just to prove that I don't need anyone. Unfortunately the weather has been atrocious so I've been forced to seek help. But help is temporary and when I'm "kicked" out, I have to be gracious that they even let me stay in the first place. I've come to the conclusion that home is not where you rest you head. My head has been resting on floors and on couches and on futons and on chairs and none of these places are home. Why? No one is welcoming. I stay in places and the people act like its a chore so I have to be as invisible as I possibly can, hoping that if I can act as if I don't exist that they'll let me stay there an extra day. I live out of duffel bags. Carry underwear, a toothbrush and deodorant among other things in my school bag. I'm homeless. I have places to call shelter but nowhere to call home. I went home this past weekend and slept for like 20 hours. I finally felt what it was like to sleep in my bed, MY own bed in a place I call home. I felt safe, I felt wanted and for the first time in a few weeks, I felt okay. I never realized before how much my parents give me comfort. They'll always take care of me. I've been living on my own since 13 (boarding school) and I've missed being their daughter. My mom made food and I swore I understood what soul food meant. Yes we aren't black, my mom doesn't make southern soul food but her cooking and eating real food made my insides feel normal. I've been on edge for weeks.

My depression is a constant struggle. back and forth, I have my good days and bad days. Depression doesn't go away. It's something you learn to deal with and control though somedays it has a mind of its own. Given the intense stress I've been under, it's been back full forth. I don't write this for pity. I write this because I know someone out there somewhere is reading this and won't feel so alone. I write this because maybe the thought of someone reading this and understanding will help me feel less alone. Being lonely is one of my worst fears. I have severe abandonment issues so needless to say, my living situation right now is not ideal for my emotions. My body was crazy out of wack due to the stresss. I lost weight and my hair was falling out, I was constantly fatigued and I had no appetite. I felt like I was just going through the motions, regaining enough composure to not bust out in tears.

Lately I've just felt numb. Like maybe if I just stop feeling, I can do something. So I've been trying to say strong long enough to do what I need to. And it was working until I hit a major road block. I thought I was gonna have a place to live and then something happened with the credit report. I didn't get denied but there's issues so my mom can't cosign. Mind you my mother gave me 50 dollars (all she had to give) so I can eat for the next week and half. I had to give 25 to the application fee. And now I have to apply again with my father as the cosigner instead and let me tell you, once I do that and give in another 25 dollars I will be dead broke. And it's only tuesday. 

Part of me feels like a failure. I'm 20 years old and what do I have to show for it: an ever changing relationship with my family, debt, loans I can't take out but I need to play for college, a semester that started out horribly, barely any money to feed myself and no place to live. But I keep telling myself that I'm alive. And that's a blessing in and of itself. I'm alive and breathing. And maybe I don't have anyone that way I wish I did but I'm learning to realize that I have myself. And one day I'm going to be enough for me. I just have got to get my life together. 

in other news, there's a mouse or two running around the living room of my friends house. The living room that I stay in. I'm trying real hard to stay composed but I'm NOT a fan of vermin. So I'm gonna go outside for a walk until I'm so tired I forget there's a mouse here. My boyfriend is coming to visit tomorrow. I'm grateful for him and his visit tomorrow. I need a familiar face. And me resting my head on his chest is home for me nowadays. 

missing home.

Sunday, September 27, 2009


remember those days before facebook was such a big deal. i was thinking about it before and facebook is huge. think about it. 

example 1: the act of unfriending someone. talk about the ultimate diss. this action reads as "you aren't even good enough to know my religious views or the quirky things i put as my status" or "i dont want people to know that we are mutual friends". that's intense

example 2: the moment you put in a relationship. the questions start pouring in. or people start to "like" it and you're like who are you. i dont know you but you "like" my relationship.

i miss the days when my life was based on being social as opposed to based on social networks. 

don't worry twitter. i will blog about you too.

Saturday, September 26, 2009

things change.

he used to write poems about me.
not anymore.
when did things change?


Wednesday, September 23, 2009

evening inquiries

i started to think about relationships. more important the way that they form and develop. i am guilty of rushing. in my fear with rejection i just always want to know good or bad. (by relationships i dont always mean romantic) i am quick to put all my eggs in a basket or no eggs in a basket. i have a hard time finding a medium. go hard or go home has always been my motto. i just never know what the proper amount of caution is. i either throw caution to the wind or allow it to dominate me.

for example, how do you get to know someone? ex. my boyfriend way back in the day when we were just "talking" had said that he wanted to get to know me. when we choose to get to know someone, what are we expecting? is it one of those "i want to get to know you" so that this goes somewhere or just to get to know you? and what do you decide to get to know? and how do you know when that's enough? i've talked to people and when you ask them "tell me something about you" every one always comes up blank. like in all the years you have been alive, everything you've experience and everything you believe and have feelings about, there is nothing you can say. 

but i think sometimes when you go into something thinking it has to lead to something than you never really get to experience it the way you should. sometimes we taint the present with thoughts of the future. tomorrow has no place in today sometimes. 

i have a lot of these random thoughts.

Thursday, September 17, 2009

quick update

yesterday was my birthday but it was a piece of shit that it didnt even merit a blog acknowledgment. 

i dont deserve to be with him. he should just break up with me already.

my physics teacher is russian and has a ridiculous accent that i cannot understand.

i think i have bronchitis. =[ it hurts when i cough. sore throat. fever. 

ive been natural for 9 months. im proud of myself. 

ive been sad. every day. for the longest time. its hard pretending to be strong.

im scatter brained right now.

Monday, September 7, 2009

labor day pains

i'm caught within a rock and a hard place. there's the decision i'm making to make people happy but its not really within my means and then i have there is the decision i want to make but that i will never be supported if i do it. the second choice is also a really scary big step that i never thought would be me. yes, im being vague. but i don't feel like being specific. 

being young has one horrible disadvantage: no one takes you seriously. the feelings i feel are always discredited by "adults" as being impulsive and a phase. when it fact being impulsive and spontaneous has nothing to do with making bad decisions. i've made bad decisions after thinking them through and then thinking some more. but the decision i want to make would be one of the happiest thing i'd ever do. nothing bad about it at all, it's just fast.

but everything in my life has been moving fast. nothing slows down. but nothing seems to be happening even though nothing is happening fast. 

in other news, i had the best few days with my boo. i cried like a hot mess on the greyhound bus saying good bye to him. argh, i felt like i was leaving part of myself behind. we definitely needed the time together. it was the most time that we have been together since being official. actually its the most time we've spent together since we've known each other. it was perfect. we went grocery shopping, made dinner, watched movies, took walks, i went to his job (he lifeguards so you can interpret this as me tanning...) we held hands everywhere. yes we were that nauseatingly cute couple and we were okay with that. ooooh we got on a boat. he made me paddle... he realized that i'm all about food. and he fed me consistently. i probably gained a good 5-6 lbs. i met his dad who is addicted to mafia wars. there were some awkward moments and one particularly cranky moment due to me and my lack of patience, but i'm not going to ruin the time with mentioning them. its old news. he's absolutely amazing. perfect for me. we really understand each other and want to take care of each other. its calming. granted he's making some decisions that make me sad but he has to do what's good for him. leaving him was one of the hardest thing i've had to do in a very long time. 

it's really hard to make decisions when you feel like you are on your own and have no safety net. that's how i feel. like i'm just throwing myself out on a limb with no type of support system. yes the boo supports but he has his own share of issues to solve. my parents are both distracted with different things: my mom is focused on my brother and my dad basically hates me. so both of those things just mean that i'm by myself trying to figure out my life. i'm 19. granted i'm turning 20 soon but i'm still young and i know that. i'd love some help. i seriously considered joining the army. i still might. but that would be one of those impulsive decisions that i'd make and i'd figure out the details way too late i.e. when i'm already committed to it. 

there's some decisions that i've made that i'm definitely going to wait and see how it pans out before i blog about it. fingers crossed. i'm finding myself praying more often. i'm not the religious type. but every once in a while, i'll look up and talk to someone. whether it's God or myself, i'm considering this talking out loud my form of prayer. my prayer doesn't consist of bible verses. but it does consist of belief. i think that's enough

i havent written a poem in a while. thumbs down to my writer's block.

i miss him.

Monday, August 31, 2009

"i crossed the line didn't i?"

i have a tendency to try and make myself someone's only option so that i'm automatically the priority. this stems from always feeling like i was second best. if you are competing with no one, you automatically win. this mentality is crazy hazardous and i am trying to work through out. but i tell you after years of thinking like this and building walls up against people, breaking it is mighty hard. this manifests itself in my insecurities and my jealous tendencies. 

i've been going through a lot. clearly, my past posts have been ridiculous! and i think because my life is somewhat out of control i'm trying to grab ahold of the one thing that seems secure. which i suppose is my relationship right now. i can't have this aspect crumble the way everything else is. but like i said before i'm a self-sabotager. so i'll find ways to damage things that won't be damaged otherwise. so i think by me trying so hard to hold onto him that i'm just choking the patience out of him and he'll leave. 

i have serious abandonment issues. and i don't know where they come from. how bizarre. i'm usually pretty good at assessing myself. 

i'm taking steps to try and fix my life. but my parents seem to have thrown me away. in terms of i'm the only one making my decisions and they aren't lending any helping hands. i'm 19. that's a pretty difficult thing. they aren't even offering their input which i desperately need right now. i'm exploring a few options but this recession is no joke. and all my options involve some type of money. funny how money isn't the root to happiness but it can sure make shit a lot easier so that you are happy. i hope by the end of the wack i have something figured out. i kind of need something to rejuvenate me and give me motivation. i'm definitely lacking that. hopefully i find it soon. you ever just need support? that'd be me. 

i contemplated whether or not to be on depression medication again. i'm going to opt out of it. it just makes me so numb. but i'm able to function. but that numbness is unsettling sometimes. its as if life is happening and you aren't really there. at least thats how it was for me the last time i took medicine. 

i'm gonna start blogging about something other than my messed up state of mind. lol. i do have other thoughts people. i promise. but i don't feel like i have another outlet to vent to. crazy how i don't even know who i'm venting to but it makes me feel better. 

oooh so my 30 day poem challenge did not go that well. the first like 2.5 weeks were great. then the last week and a half was shaky. so i'm gonna try it again in october. i'm using september as a transition month to get my life in order. so hopefully once i do that, i can be in a state of mind to write. and do something. 

at a crossroads

Sunday, August 30, 2009


you ever look back at your life and say to yourself that you weren't supposed to be like this? 

i had all the potential in the world when i was growing up. i could be anything in the world and look at me now. the only thing i am is unhappy. it wasn't supposed to be like this. i feel like i got no one in my corner and i'm just fighting to keep my head above water. always fighting, my arms are tired. always running, my legs are tired. my heart hurts. 

nothing is going right. it's hard. i've been making decisions late and now i'm just assed out. i haven't slept in about three days. my life is in shambles. i got no one. i barely have myself and i know that's a shame. you should always be your greatest ally but if your not proud of urself, it's hard to support yourself. 

i'm being tempted by old habits. things that i have no business thinking of doing but old habits die hard. i'm shameful. and i'm sorry about the venting but i guess this was more for me than anyone else. 

i need to make some major changes in my life. but i don't know where to start. i made a list, well i attempted to make a list and it looked like chicken scratch. and i'm attempting to tackle this list but i keep falling into dead ends. tomorrow or i guess later today i'm gonna make some phone calls. maybe i can get my life back on track. 

i'm getting rid of my distractions. so i'm deactivating my facebook. and getting rid of my twitter. too many people have access to me and it's just not good. it's not like they're helping me. you can be in a room full of people and still feel alone. so i'm eliminating the room full of people and just dealing with myself. i hide behind unimportant things. defense mechanism. 

my family is disappointed in me. and have let me go so to speak. he hates me. and i don't blame him. who would want to be with me being the way that i am? ever feel like God gave up on you? maybe its karma. i gave up on God a long time ago, maybe my actions are being reciprocated. call it blasphemy if you want. 

i know i won't sleep tonight. i can feel it. new days can't come if you are still holding on to the old ones.

it wasn't supposed to be like this.

Friday, August 28, 2009


i've had too much inspiration
to contain in my fingers
(read: i haven't written a poem in days)
i've attempted crafty one liners
tried to separate my soul
into syllables and sentences
i've been unsuccessful
i can break
i'm good at breaking myself
i can build walls
and tear them down
but i've managed to cross my own boundaries
tear at my foundation
i don't exist anymore
i'm just surviving
my bank is hunched
i believe, permanently so
the weight of my world 
has replaced my vertebrae
there is nothing protecting my backbone 
but burdens
i'm weak
i kiss him like insecurities
i kiss him with insecurities
sometimes i might smell like sex
some mistake it for slut
but rape smells different to other people
my hands are soft
so maybe i haven't worked hard
but my feet are calloused
constant running 
has turned into a job
in and of itself
i keep my nails long
to leave scratches on his back
in case he forgets me
i have one of those
"excuse me what did you say that was" 
kind of names
so i've found ways to make myself memorable
cushion his dick
between the only walls i haven't managed to tear down
he calls me home
i guess that's close enough
i'm a crier
it's shameful
but sometimes when i can't breathe
the oxygen in my tears
can be soothing
it's amazing
the lies we tell ourselves to heal
all the crying in the world
won't reduce the amount of disappointment
i've cultivated
self-pity won't pay back loans
or give me one more chance
i'm overwhelmed
my mind is scattered 
i'm the bigger person
teenager forced to be an adult
too often
but never allowed to grow up
if you are a mother of three
with you're own life to lead
leave mine alone
blood relations is no excuse for bitch
i'm sorry for whatever you have been told
i dish out what i can take
if you can't then perhaps you should just mind your children
i am angry
i've had months of festering hatred
eating at my insides
my chest hurts
giving back the rib i never meant to borrow 
has left a gaping hole
i'm caving in on myself
there is no light
at the end of black holes
but i'd settle for disappearing
anything is better than crying
anything is better than this
i don't know has overtaken my vocabulary
years of schooling
years of life
have been reduced to uncertainty
i'm trying to be quiet
when you apologize for apologizing
it's like a double negative
you might as well have kept your mouth shut
i've been talking lately
just to keep from thinking
i'm dangerous
not in a attractive way
dangerous like
blood looks better when its on top of my skin
rather than being confined 
my organs are selfish
and unnecessary 
once i stop swallowing my pride
i won't need my stomach
i'm a smoker
killing myself slowly cause 
if i did it any faster they would call me selfish
and say they couldn't see it coming
lies go down easier 
when someone's voice is six feet under yours
i'm a drinker
but if my mind could be on public display
you'd need a few drinks too
i'm a self sabotager
i can ruin my life without any help from you
call me self sufficient
but i'm all i need to hate myself
often i'm uncomfortable
do you hear her moans instead of mine
it's silly
but girlfriend and best friend
might be interchangeable 
i want a nickname
not now that i've announced but yesterday
a nickname would have been nice
but thats something between you two
heavy breathing
pillow talk
and my jealousy gets the best of me
yes i'm jealous
yes i admit it
perhaps you might leave me
i'm terribly scared of being alone
i enjoy my own company only as a last resort
i wouldn't wish me upon my worst enemy
yes i can be that bad
i'm scared of the dark
i hate not knowing
surprises make me nauseous
mistakes shouldn't be born
they should be covered up
i can be horrible
did i say i was scattered?
cause if i didn't then i'm sorry
cause i am
i've traded in my metaphors
i don't like my as too much these days
trying to ground myself in reality
sometimes its not dark like anything
sometimes its just dark
i've had too much inspiration
to contain in my fingers
(read: i haven't written a poem in days)


Friday, August 21, 2009

crying while doing dishes = pathetic

i've had a troublesome day. case in point: i was washing some dishes like 15 minutes ago and i just started to cry it was one of those days. where nothing seems right. my family life is in shambles, my love life seems to be a mess and me as a person... well i just feel pathetic. ever have those moments where you get tired of fighting, tired of struggling. i wish i could just be. and i know people say it's simple. once you make the decision to just be, then it'll happen. my heart just hurts. my soul is all kinds of fatigued. i'm trying to keep my head above water. but for whatever reason, drama and problems just find me. it's like everything aligns to keep me from breathing. i don't know what it is. i don't remember doing anything to elicit this bad of karma. 

i'm trying to figure out what i can do. are there things i have to give up? i just feel so overwhelmingly lonely today. i haven't felt like this in a while. like i'm fighting a losing battle. it's easy to fight when you know you're going to win. but to know that no matter what you do, it'll never be enough can break you. and that's what i feel like today. i thought i'd be done with the depressing blogs for a while. i actually have a lot of productive blog ideas but today it was just too much for me. i didn't know what else to do or who to talk to. i keep getting yelled at or people get mad at me. and i don't know what i'm doing wrong. i'm trying so hard to be good. to stay out of trouble and just be happy. but the universe just seems to finds way to make me feel everything but happy. my surroundings just seem so unhealthy. i need a break. 

all kinds of broken. 

Wednesday, August 19, 2009

you are nothing short of my everything

he's wonderful. and we are .... so i'm speechless and can't think of an adjective but i promise when i think of an adjective strong enough to define what we are then u got it folks.

all smiles today

Saturday, August 15, 2009

its silly really

he was supposed to call me at 8. he forgot. so i call him at like 805. call it silly but whatever. so then he called me back. because i called him not because he was supposed to call me at 8. i get upset. its windy in the background. so i tell him to call me later and hang up. he texts me and says he will not call me back until i learn to stop hanging up on people. 

we're constantly arguing or upset with each other. i hate it. it upsets me. maybe he doesn't want to see me on monday =[ its turning into one of those maybe we should quit while we're behind.


family ties

i'm starting to understand what people mean when they say, the older you get, the closer you get to your parents. i hung out with my mother all day today. and it was great. we had conversation, we walked around, window shopped. it was effortless. my mother and i can be good friends one day. but as of right now, we're building a relationship. i hope i don't mess this one up anytime soon. 

my father and i on the other hand have not talked. in about 2 months. i've barely heard him talk in the past few weeks. it's tense. i don't know when its going to get better but it doesn't seem to be getting better any time soon.

you can pick your nose
but you can't pick your family.

Wednesday, August 12, 2009

hump day

People seldom do what they believe in. They do what is convenient, then repent.

ever have those moments where you have so much on your mind but can't put your finger on anyone thought? that's me right now.

insane in the membrane, 

Saturday, August 8, 2009

poetry challenge

these are some of the poems that i've done since the start of august.

this was day 1

Stockholm Syndrome

He doesn’t know how to hold a rape victim
And I haven’t learned
How to not wear shoes to bed
Bruised labias can only kiss the scars on his ego for so long
We play pretend
Make believe instead of love
No one teaches us how to love scars
Instead we learn to cover blemishes with make up
And he learned to cover me in bed sheets
While I made up excuses to stay
He would get mad at me when I said no
Wrinkle up the space between his eyes with disappointment
Step out of the room
Expecting me to leave by the time he returned
He wouldn’t kiss me after sex
Just let me lay there
Step out of the room
Expecting me to leave by the time he returned
I always left
And like women too scared to go to precincts smelling like him
I sat
In corners of bathtubs
Drowning in self-pity 
I scrubbed like skin was just a collection of bad memories
He always said I smelled nice
I knew I smelled like lies
But I always said thank you
I felt like less of a woman
Every time I sunk into his mattress

day 3

flowers are meant to grow in gardens
there is nothing beautiful
about your captivity, dear
and i'm tired of having
to look so hard for your good parts
Baby, your petals are wilting
and it's getting harder 
for me to look at you.
i just want to give you kisses
sweet like sugar
and if only you would let me,
your roots would be free
to sleep in earth
and peek up at stars.
there are no perks to being a wallflower
just ask moss
they always give direction
but they never go anywhere

day 5

it's a recession
when parents give children
sips of nyquil 
so they can have a moment 
to act like grownups

working job after job
makes free time expensive
they can't afford to be adults
when they have babies
and i feel bad
for parents who have children crawling into bed
beds are banks for dreams
for passions
that they put on hold 
for rainy days and sleepaway camps
they should be allowed
to have one thing 
that's just their own
even if its just an orgasm or two

day 8

he looks good
like the kind of guy
concocted from day dreams
where he's never meant for me
until right before the credits start to roll
he looks good enough to stare at
makes me blush
butterflies in my ventricles
excuse me
while my heart attacks

i'd spend all day kissing him
just to taste his atmosphere

this challenge makes me look forward to the days to come.

pushup contest. i win. im a beast.

i went to costco's today with my mom and dad. it was a cute little family bonding trip. its crazy how little things like that just make you feel like more of a family. i noticed today that my parents are getting older. their memory is slower and typical of aging folk. i feel bad. so i've decided to avoid arguing with them. though it's not like i ever mean to. but they're just so cute. i can't bear to give them any more gray hairs.

Boo said I don't blog enough. wacktastic. so i had to post this.

Update on my 30 day challenge:
it's going pretty well. i've been keeping up with my poems, being consistent. and i'm coming up with some dope lines. and some cool concepts. i got 23 more days to go. hopefully i continue with my consistency. 

excuse me while my heart attacks,

Sunday, August 2, 2009

how to push my buttons

I hate it when people ask me if I know something or did a particular activity during my childhood, when I say no... they get all kinds of offended and act shocked. Yes, I did grow up in America but my household was completely Dominican and Latino in every sense of the word. I didn't know english until i was 7. so why would you think that me and you have the same kind of pop culture references in our past? most things about American childhoods, i've learned as i've gotten older. i grew up with Sabado Gigante, telenovelas and very strict rules. I didn't watch American TV because i didn't understand it, except for Barney. he was my dude! and the Big Comfy Couch, everything else. leave me alone. argh. i hate that.

yes i'm having an AIM conversation where someone got offended cause i had no idea what Tron was. i called him an ass. and i didn't even give do him a favor by googling it. 

ticked off,

rainy days

"can't you see that it's just raining?
there ain't no need to go outside"

rainy days always put me in the cuddling mood. yet i have no one to cuddle with except my body pillow which nowadays has become my boyfriend. some hot chocolate, a good movie or book sound so good right now so i think im going to indulge in it.

i've started the 30 day poem challenge which i recommend all poets do. one poem a day everyday for 30 days. i'll post up the ones i feel are post worthy. sometimes some poems just need to come out, but they're not meant to be shared. but the ones that are, i'll make sure to write them up. this is the third time i've done this challenge this year. let me tell you, it never gets easier but it does get more rewarding. its also just good practice.

i remember having several relationship conversations with my friends. they would often tell me how they weren't ready for a relationship. and i never understood what that meant. i mean, if you find someone you like and they like you back then a relationship is the next step, duh. but now i've realized i don't think i'm ready for a relationship. mind you, i'm not a big fan of being single. i enjoy the freedom but not the whole temporary mini relationships with several people. u get close enough to people to decide if either of u want to invest the time, then if one person doesn't the other then has to figure out what to do with the developing feelings. it's just a lot of awkward. but i like relationships, at least the idea of them. and i used to be good at relationships when i was younger, go figure. now that i'm older and wiser, i'm horrible at them. but when it's raining, i wish i had someone to cuddle with. some couch snuggling, a good movie, some hot cocoa... oh it'd be so nice. but when it's not raining, ehh. i can do without. though it'd still be nice . i'm a big mess of contradictions.

i'd make him banana pancakes,

Friday, July 31, 2009

bad beginnings?

i drive him crazy. and we're not even dating. 
quit while we're ahead? 


Wednesday, July 29, 2009

oh karma how i love thee

i won't elaborate too much. but i found out that a guy i used to talk to feels like he is getting played by some new girl he is talking to. and though i never wish anyone harm, karma is always good. hence the reason i dont wish people harm, cause karma really can bite you in the ass. 

note to self: write poem about karma.

random facts about me i've learned to love:
i have facial hair. embarrassing but it's me.
i know i'm about to get my period because i have an uncanny craving for chicharrones (pork rinds) and ice cream.
since going natural i really want someone to just spend the time playing with my hair.
my eyes swell after i cry.
in any chick flick, whenever the girl gets her heart broken, or left/abandoned...i cry. everytime without fail. even if i have seen the movie a million times. 
i want to fall in love but find it hard wanting something i don't believe in anymore.
old habits die hard.
i'm a social networking whore. i love meeting new people and putting myself out there, with boundaries of course.
i have about 200 pictures of myself on my macbook. i don't think its narcissism. i spent years thinking i was ugly and hated pictures. now i'm beautiful and i'll take pictures of myself for my own enjoyment.
i have never written a poem in spanish.
i have terrible stage fright. but i'm not very shy
i have a slight stutter.
i have a short temper. and insane anger issues but i keep them under control for the most part.
i have eczema. on my tummy and my neck. argh it sucks.
i've had a hickey once. never again. and it wasn't even that big or noticeable.
i wish i had a scent. something that i smelled like. as of now it seems to be sweet pea and shea butter/coconut oil. 
since cutting my hair, i'm into makeup and accessories.
i like my feet. but no one else's.
i wish i used my videochat more. 

im quirky.

old habits die hard.

i need a new journal. granted my old one isn't finished, its about halfway done. but its uninspiring. but i have no funds to supply my journal habit. my birthday is in a month. maybe i'll ask my brother. 

soft cover.
preferably leather.
brown or black.
texture without design.
no lined paper.


a fresh journal is like crack.

"just say it"

so as expected he read my blog. and we talked on the phone for a good 15 minutes which he spent trying to get me to say it out loud. i wanted to curl up in a ball, crawl into a hole and stay there. too much pressure. i admitted it. granted it was in blog form but i put it out there somehow. and it wasn't enough. am i wrong? its been 3 years. he can't expect it to be that easy for me to just say it. i feel uncomfortable.

crawling into my hole now.

Tuesday, July 28, 2009

looking back

Growing up happens in a heartbeat. One day you're in diapers; the next day you're gone. But the memories of childhood stay with you for the long haul. the wonder years

i do miss the bliss of being young and not knowing, and having that be okay.

i was a cute baby.


on my date yesterday =] we went to go see Harry Potter because I still haven't seen it and I'm a HUGE Harry fan. the movie was a bit disappointing because they took out a good 3/4's of the book and changed up important details. but other than that it was still entertaining and conveyed the important stuff. after the movie, we talked and i told him about a poem i wanted to write. and on the train home, i wrote it.

I know that we are conditioned
to identify with the good guy:
the side that will undoubtedly prevail in a war of contradicting ideals
but what happens when you find yourself
identifying with the bad guy
i'm in the theater
trying to figure out
if fundamentally
a horcrux can actually exist
in a world existing outside of
platform 9 3/4
could i break my soul into pieces 
and protect its fragments
i can't help but feel as though
my soul has nomad coded into its genetics
and while my body craves stillness and breath
my soul has other ideas
they say rape victims
sometimes wear sneakers to sleep
and in the event that assault is more prevalent than dreams
sneaking up on them like grim reapers of pain
they have the tools necessary to escape
so maybe
given the amount of damage
that i've encountered
i'm subconsciously preparing the essence of my being to run
to at least have a fighting chance at survival
because sometimes
asking me to live is asking for too much
and this vessel, god-given and mad-made
seems ill equipped at protection
most times
i find myself tired
no amount of rest can cure a restless sprirt
i have to remind myself
that beds are for bodies
not souls
all of me can't seem to exist as one
there is no single unit here
just two sides of the same coin
like Harry
and Volde-- he who must not be named
I'm already in pieces
my reflection is my enemy
and if horcruxes are indeed evil
what will people say of my poetry
voldemort's first known horcrux was a journal
even evil knows the power of words
i wish simple people could too
i'm embedded in the punctuation
there is ink in my veins
and scars on my pages
language is as close to immortality as we can get
and when done right
my words manipulate feelings
my pages outweigh fate
and rewrite destiny
am i wrong for finding ways to preserve myself
and though i cut lines into my skin
like basilisk fangs in leatherbound books
i don't think i'll be okay with death being my final chapter
if there is no resurrection
then leave me be
i'll find ways to live beyond death
i'll keep using my pen as my magic wand
use journals for parchment
cast spells with titles
my soul is too restless to be acknowledged posthumously
and if i succeed
in tearing myself apart
will I ever be able to piece myself together?
immortality has its price.
so my soul can handle being broken
in ways my heart cant.

inspiration is everywhere.

if i should be so bold

"And all I really want to do is to love you
A kind much closer than friends use
I still can't say it after all we've been though"
If It Kills Me - Jason Mraz

yeah, its like that.

it creeps on you

this is going to be a short entry mostly because i'm confused about it. but i think i'm in love. this guy literally is one of my closest friends. he knows me, deals with me. at my best or at my worst, unconditionally. he gets frustrated with me because sometimes i'm a lot to handle but he's always there for me. and i like to think i'm there for him. i like making him smile. yesterday we went out on a date. it was effortless. at one point we just sat on some chairs for about an hour and just talked, took in the scenery and just sat in silence. we had our first kiss. it was sweet. i got butterflies. which is foreign to me because given the amount of hurt i've encountered sometimes i didn't think i had genuine feelings. this is the first time in a long time i've liked a good guy. but i can't admit that to him or to myself out loud even though i know he's going to read this blog and know its about him. argh. perhaps that's why i'm doing this. but i dont see myself being a girlfriend. that term scares me. i dont want to hurt him or damage our friendship. poor excuse i know if you can have the friendship and the romance then there should be nothing stopping you. so i guess bottom line is that i'm just scared. but i think i love him. he makes me happy. he's leaving back to baltimore tomorrow so i won't see him until Lord knows when and i don't like that. that makes me sad. 


Friday, July 24, 2009

public service announcement

So I just saw something that really bothered me. Lil Bow Wow's twitter. before I get started let me say that I DO NOT follow him but I do follow other people who mentioned it so I went on it. And he was talking about what presumably looks to be about Solange and her decision to cut off all her hair. He was ranting about how women should stop cutting their hair in an attempt to look like men and how he likes long hair and he's so over everyone trying to copy Amber Rose. I have issues with all these statements for varying reason. 7 months ago I cut off my hair. Maybe not a big chop but I cut off layers of relaxed hair in an attempt to free myself and just let go. So I would like to dedicate this post to the men who feel as Bow Wow. Let it be known, we do not cut our hair for you. WE ARE NOT HERE FOR YOUR ENTERTAINMENT. So personally I can care less if you don't like short hair, I like my short hair. I am not cutting my hair in an attempt to give the rib that I supposedly borrowed from you some masculinity. Personally Lil Bow Wow you used to have long hair, didn't you? And wouldn't that be a female trait? So stop jocking our shit. Now you cut your hair off and all of a sudden you are alpha male. Solange looks beautiful. I feel like ethnic women are always judged so harshly. Also, I resent that now every time women of color chop their hair off people attribute that to Amber Rose... pause. I knew beautiful black women with no hair on their hair long before Kanye brought her around. It bothers me. Since cutting my hair I have the most confidence I ever had in my life. This is not an attack to women with relaxed hair, I do not judge. But it just bothers me how the standard of beauty hasn't changed and people remained closeminded. If I have one more dude come up to me and asked me why I did this to myself, I'll compose myself and just say because I can. 

its just hair folks. get over yourself

Thursday, July 23, 2009

mommy's little girl

the relationship between my mother and me is complex. ups and downs, more downs than ups... love - hate. i use hate because sometimes i do. love because sometimes i love her. most times i do. and sometimes i really wish i was adopted. mind you, when i was younger, my mom was my best friend. i told this woman absolutely everything. and when i grew up, i just don't trust her the same. at least trust her to understand, she judges. harshly. so i wrote a poem about it.

to my mom:

 wonder if I was worth the nine month wait

Cause my mother looks at me

Like she wished she stopped at three

But given her new found love of my father

She decided to rent out

Space in her womb for his seed

And my birth seemed more like an eviction

They say you can’t remember your birth

That the process of leaving

Doesn’t stay embedded in brain waves

But perhaps we just repress its memory

She made me for him

Not for herself

And in that hospital

I swore I confused doctor with daddy

Cause daddy wasn’t there

So my soul chooses to forget

Where I came from

The journey will never surpass the destination

If it lies outside the realm of recollection

My attachment to her left with my umbilical cord

Umbilical cords replaced by belts and extension cords

So the connection was temporary

But the scar tissues lies above bones

Hence they are useless for drying eyes

Blood never spilled from my skin

I kept it in like secrets

Youd hit until  the remnats of a family lay spilt beneath your feet

Find shelter in the cracks of our foundation

and you kept going

with even my shadow crying for me

you called it discipline

when I got out of line

so the lines bruised on my back were reminders

fuck post its

skin is the original paper

She told me I’m the spitting image of my father

That I must have lived in the womb that men forget they have

She claims none of my chromosomes

But wonders why daddy’s heartbeat is my lullaby

It seems that her blood flow

Just tried to drown me in her loneliness

And my placenta was poisonous

I might as well have been birthed in a grave yard

And my birthday was more like the day of resurrection

I don’t think I was meant to be

More like a formality

My mother’s arms are weary

It was my father that needed something to hold onto

And I needed something unconditional to latch onto

My mother never cried for me so

Her water broke instead

So the closest I got to feeling her tears

Escaped from her legs

Before I could see them fall

She even took that away from me

So now when she sobs at my feet

I just think she’s given birth to her guilt

A feud like this goes back like generations

That bicker without understanding it’s initial trigger

We fight like it’s our birthright

We fight like immune systems that gave on its body

We’re our own virus

That feed off our hosts of insecurities

She says she doesn’t know how to be a mother to me

That her proven techniques are just wasted on me

And I don’t know how to be her daughter

So we settle and become mirrors for each other

And screaming at your reflection

Does nothing to help the situation

Sometimes when we fight

Im reduced to the fetal position

Find myself nestles in the shrillness of harsh tones

And mangled words

And I was I was still born sometimes

Rebirthed into stillness

And it wouldn’t be an abortion

Cause had I known,

Had I been given insight instead of limbs

I could have spared you this pain

But still I was born

To you

You should never fight with your creator

They say our arms are too short to box with god

So I deemed my mother a worthy opponent

And though I mimick her image

Cause God’s in hiding

I don’t know when it was when she fell from grace

It could have been when her halo got tangled

Within my father’s bedsheets

Or when she laid in hospital garbs

Among white walls not resembling heaven

And when she gave birth to this angel

Perhaps I took her halo with me

A divorced woman is said to have no place in God’s kingdom

But you took the wedding ring shackles from your fingers

And your still not free

So maybe heaven isn’t the underground railroad

And there’s no candles declaring it your safe haven

So I’m sorry for proclaiming you scorned

When you were just hurt

And not appreciating the fresh water that came from salty tears

and though I appreciate your history

you made a mockery of our ancestors

cause when you called

I could never respond

Eyes hung low in submission

I endured

You are too beautiful to be master

Masters shouldn’t give birth to slaves

So forgive me when I feel inclined to runaway

You took your shackles off and replaced them with my halo

And called it tradition

So I spent years cultivating the artistry behind repressed anger

So for every time I was told to speak when spoken to

I’m here in front of you

Pretending I’m the speakers to your heart

So when you yell, I’ll yell louder

Amplify the sound

So you can hear yourself

And then maybe you’ll listen to me

maybe we can be best friends again,

Monday, July 20, 2009

pack rat

I moved out of my apartment in philly. officially. so i am no longer there. and all my stuff from 4 years of boarding school and 2 years away at college are now in my tiny little room. there seems to be no space. and i started thinking about how much stuff i have accumulated in the past years. and mami wants me to throw a lot of stuff away but i just can't bear it. call me a hoarder, call me a pack rat but even the slightest things hold memories even if i have  no use for them. i have a hard time letting things go that i claim as mine. 

and these things can't come back to be reclaimed, once i throw them out... our paths will be separate. so this  entry is dedicated to the random teddy bear, the old nail polish, the earring with no backing and no pair... you will be missed.

too sentimental,

Wednesday, July 15, 2009


And because they keep us out of history books

I wonder what Negro spirituals sound like in Spanish

People forget we have them

That we have history

That lies underneath ground cloaked in darkness

And while America has modernized

We still build houses with roofs made out of hay

We still watch children run barefoot

On dirt roads

We still take shits outside

Among the animals

and when we cluster together

through underground networks

of distant relatives

we end up in jobs no one else will do

Do not tell me

That I cannot claim black

It’s just ignorant

We were plucked from African soil too

Genocide killed indigenous kings and queens

There are no graves for them

And no pages for them in history books.

soy Dominicana,


gotta love your roots

i decided to go natural in january. i took both of these pictures this week. the picture with my hair straight is the first time i've had heat on my hair in 6 months. i rock my little baby fro mostly. and whenever i feel down, i let my fingers dance in my hair. instant mood lifter.

my soror said "i didn't know your hair was so long"
i told her "the fro holds secrets relaxed hair knows nothing of."

to all the natural beauties =]


people call me quirky. now i take this to mean i have a lot of nuances be it my vernacular, style of stress, attitude, humor... which makes me think of my beliefs. the things i have held on to no matter what. 

there are three basic things I believe in. 1 is myself. 2 is karma. 3 is the simplicity that lies in everything and how people for varying reasons make them complicated.

i may not believe in God all the time. i would like to but i find myself believing in God when i need something not because i genuinely want to and to me that's not belief, that's selfish. but back to the three i stated. i will always believe in myself. i am all i have. i mean this in the simplest terms. if you take everything away, i'll remain. that idea is the strongest idea someone can have. taken to the extreme it can give you a survivalist mentality and isolate you, but taken in the pure and honest way, it'll make you feel powerful. i believe in karma. the universe has an order, and when you violate that order... the universe will put it back into place. this thought helps me stay away from negativity and away from seeking revenge. like i can forgive and forget because i know that though things have shifted out of place, everything will go back. and lastly... i tend to overcomplicate things. i overthink and overfeel and when i remember that everything can be broken down into simple situations it keeps me in perspective. it lets me breathe.

i think everyone should be able to do a few things to ease stress... let your feet touch grass or sand. when you are standing above nature, you feel more grounded. hold someone's hand, even if it's your own. handwrite a letter. read a book with the intention of finishing it. remember what friendship feels like. let your innocence mature into genuine; everything needs to grow up but growing old and weary is a choice.

breathing youthfully,

putting a little meat on dem bones

the title is in reference of my blog. ive been a little scarce lately mostly out of laziness. so i apologize for that. its a different kind of laziness. it's not cause i'm bored but mostly cause i'm too lazy to think. for the last few months my thoughts have been occupied by nonsense so now that i'm home and i can take a break from everything, i've given up on thinking. which also explains my hiatus in my poetry. i haven't really been on my poetry game as i should be. i can't even say that because it's not like i'm not up on my game, i haven't been writing period. however for all my lack of substantial writing i have been twittering and changing my facebook status like crazy. which got me to thinking about communication. my friends keep telling me to make a blog. which is funny because clearly i already have one and i play along like i don't. i don't know if i need all the people who know me reading my thoughts and what not. i put my poetry out there but it's different. even though i do feel my poetry is personal and emotional more so than this blog sometimes. they keep telling me to do like a pop culture commentary because when it comes to anything on television, music or the pop culture world that we live in i really do have a comment for everything. so my twitter and status keep getting updated feverishly. people tell me that my updates are hilarious and that they enjoy reading them. but with only a few words to convey a message i'd say communication nowadays is pitiful. people would rather read 140 characters than engage in actual conversation. one of my friends had the audacity to ask why i need another journal if i have a laptop. and i felt like that was a tremendous slap in the face. as a writer i appreciate the beauty of the craft and understand the history. shit if i could use papyrus or a stone tablet, i would. but i can't so i'll be content with a pen and paper. i mean i appreciate the convenience of the computer. and sometimes i do type my poems first but i always make sure to transfer them into a notebook. there is something honest about handwriting. it leaves more of a fingerprint. technology has really changed communication between people. while making us more accessible it has distanced us at the same time. the juxtaposition of those two is incredible. i feel like writing a poem about it. i mean think about it. i have like 1000 "friends" on facebook. people who have access to my pictures, to my frequently updated status, who can send me messages and these boundaries are reciprocated. i have friends from elementary school, my kindergarden class yet we don't really talk. people make plans on facebook and when you don't show up they were like well i facebook invited you. that's not a real invitation but still socially acceptable. and i tell myself that i want to take breaks from facebook and twitter but when i do, i really do lose contact with everyone. it's like i moved to the middle of the rainforest. and the fact that even while sleeping, you miss out on so much its distubring. rifuckingdiculous. 

i wonder what the next innovation is going to be. holograms?

without consent

I often wondered why rape
affects us so much
why it rots our insides
making us less than human
until we are standing 
on nothing more than the 
promise that
time heals all wounds
We women are more than human
We take ribs
and clone them into children
We have ovaries that perform
modern day alchemy
gold is simply not of much use these days
so this womb
opted to be a home
for future babies
and to men
seeking wetness in the form of something
to my tenants
i was temporary shelter
never meant to last more than
a few hours on cold nights
or nine months while limbs developed
but he
fucked me something permanent
just like a thief
he burglarized this home
entered through locked doors
he was not welcomed here
the space between these walls
are unsafe
my property has been redlined by blood trickling down thighs
my value is shot to hell
i might as well be worthless
my sexuality meant nothing
and that is why it hurts
we are taught 
as little girls
that our chastity is precious
virginity is close to sainthood
and to guard it with our life
but we chose
to engage in relations 
with men who have forgotten what innocence feels like
we renounce our sainthood
for their piece of mind
and he now walks
with shoulder blades prominent
cause he stripped me of my wings
and now carries them on his back
he was never meant to fuck angels
i never gave him that right
he wanted to be closer to God
used me to ascend to the heavens
leapt from the cliff of humanity
and was resurrected a monster
there are no ghost stories about this kind of sin
no boogeymen equivalent for him
my body became the source of my fear
four limbs
could not save me 
what kind of redemption does God hold
for rapists and their victims?
and though a part of me died that day
there are no obituaries for the death of angels
no convictions for the theft of wings
there's no justice it seems
perhaps she was raped too
chose blindness to escape her own reflection
she only saw him
so we women
are affected by rape
because whatever doesn't kill you
sometimes makes you wish it had
just to see
if our tainted and broken souls
will still be allowed into heaven
though we can no longer fly.

there are some thing you don't get over. 

Sunday, July 5, 2009

being a grown up

Sometimes the hardest but most rewarding thing to do is to realize you need a clean break from an unhealthy situation and to realize that starting over doesn't mean you failed. Currently this is my life. Sorry for the hiatus but I had to take a break. So I found myself back at home and it feels good. Even with my parents overbearing rules, I'm still much happier. 

This past summer has been terrible for me so far. Exhibit A: my hair is falling out. from stress Exhibit B: i lost 15 lbs. understand the severity of it: i'm a small person, my "heaviest" is 125 lbs. my healthy weight i suppose is 120. so i'm currently 10 lbs underweight. i look like a rail.

change is good,

Sunday, June 28, 2009

BET awards

these are some of the tweets and statuses during the BET awards: 

oh no diddy. seriously. plugging ciroc during jamie foxx's song. hot mess. that plus live autotune. bafoonery.

big ups to travis barker.

Dear BET, 1. Soulja Boy is best left on as a pre-show performer (if that) and 2. NOT EVERYONE DESERVES THEIR OWN SHOW. bafoonery. thanks, management

Dear BET, I know it's a recession but can we at least get a speed through of the the nominees? i like to laugh at the losers. thanks, management

best part of beyonce's performance? getting rid of the shoulder pad extravaganza she had going on. worst part? the rest of it.

Dear BET, Zoe Saldana is actually Zoe Yadira ZaldaƱa Nazario. and she's Dominican. WE ARE NOT LETTING YOU CLAIM HER. SHE'S OURS. thanks, latino management

Dear BET, I don't appreciate the Jamie Foxx concert I'm watching. thanks, management.

BBD (Bell Biv Devoe) = Amazing

Ciara... we don't like you for your singing. just dance.

 about time Jay-Z came on. maybe he brought a hairbrush or comb for Beyonce.

 this is the first BET awards since Obama got elected and there has been no mention of it. a few months and its already old news... hmmph

Dear BET, next year just have the awards at a cookout. sincerely, ode and management.

Wyclef gets a million cool points for being a loving dad and wife with his shout out.

Jamie Foxx definitely gave up hosting the BET awards. i blame it on the alcohol.

Drake. id appreciate it if you sang live. we are not on MTV's Unplugged... get up from that damn stool and move. and everyone stop making songs that curse so much and it just sounds like one long dramatic pause when BET censors it.

Dear Millz, we do not scream out "Papi" every time black men deep end. Thanks, Management [the everygirl song by young money]

two more things i fell in love with Trey Songz, he is delicious looking. but the BET awards gets such a thumbs down. Jamie Foxx promoting himself was over the top. We get it. You're on tour. We get it. Shush. 

shaking my head.

my fortune cookie

Nature, time and patience are the three great physicians.

waiting for the BET awards.

insomnia. again

I'm notorious for this early morning blogging. But I don't have anything particular to say mostly because I have so much going through my mind. 

I go through phases where I remember my self-worth and remember that I'm worth what I decide not what other people tell me I'm worth. I don't know if that read well but what I'm trying to say is that I'm a fabulous person and its okay for me to say so and acknowledge that the people I surround myself with should be up to par with me. I should never and will never reduce my self worth to make someone else happy especially a man. Argh. that idea is repulsive. 

"Experience is simply the name we give our mistakes." Oscar Wilde

This statement is so true. I think we convince ourselves that things happen for a reason to ease the hurt of shit hitting the fan. I'm in such a bad mood. I think you can tell. Expect some more venting blogs today. It's that kind of mood.

argh. *insert curse word here*

Saturday, June 27, 2009

quote of the day

"You say I'm crazy. I got your crazy" Womanizer - Britney Spears

simply ferocious. 

Friday, June 26, 2009

pretty young thing

As is customary in this here blog world, I have to pay homage to Michael Jackson. He was definitely one of those people I never thought could die. I'm very much in tune with matters of life and death but Michael surpasses that. Call me crazy. And I respect a man who never made another language record and still his presence is felt. My first CD was Thriller. 

Also rest in peace to Farrah Fawsett and Ed McMahon. 

Wednesday, June 24, 2009


Transformers 2: Revenge of the Fallen was alright. The action scenes were tight but plot left stuff to be desired. They tried too hard. It was noticeable. Thumbs not up, Thumbs not down... Thumbs Bleh.

something about originals man.

Tuesday, June 23, 2009

where has my childhood gone?

so i definitely have diagnosed myself with insomnia. i haven't slept in over 24 hours. argh. but anyway. i've rediscovered songs from my childhood and early adolescence and let me tell you: those were the great days. 

the songs that brought back nostalgia:

Jordan Knight - Give it to you (i definitely had NO idea what the hell this song was about... after listening this was definitely so inappropriate) oh i love Darren Dance Grooves

Samantha Mumba - Gotta Tell You

Christina Millian - AM to PM and Dip It Low (i've been feeling very dip it low pick it up slow lately)

Dream - He Loves U Not (oooh these girls were trying get me to fight some heifer over a man at a young part of the song was the latina chick when she sings... i can always spot a latina.)

LFO - Girl on TV (oh how i wanted to be this girl though i had no idea what scooby snacks had to do with this song and its premise....)

Tatyana Ali - Day Dreaming (my sister when she was younger was a spitting image of Tatyana Ali)

Eden's Crush - Get Over Yourself (Nicole Sherudfhvdbfi you peaked too soon.) oh my favorite song was love this way one point i listened to it twice a day every day for 6 months

S Club 7 - Natural (yes they're best season was when they were in Miami and Rachel was my favorite)

Natalie Imbruglia - Torn (let me tell you guys... i still remember the VH1 Pop Up Video to this)

Savage Garden - Truly Madly Deeply ( i was like 8 years old thinking this was going to be my wedding song... mind you I didn't really understand it... but I clearly had good taste)

Mariah Carey - Always Be My Baby (was the reason i was itching to go to a sleepaway camp... sadly i never went...but i did go to boarding school)

i think thats all for today. i just love that i always had great taste in music. =]

starting the day of with a smile