"i'm leaving and i don't know when i'll be back but i'll text you" argh. ever been kicked out of an environment you're completely comfortable with? swear to gosh, i let my guard down. nah son, shit's back up. seriously, i guess he's trying to keep me hanging on some kind of string. he doesn't know what he wants... whats new? argh.
so let me veer clear of that topic...
Sonia Sotomayor.... nominated for Supreme Court Justice. Latina woman from the Bronx. we're making moves. it's a beautiful thing. hard work will get you somewhere. in this case, just the nomination means something. i mean, last year... no one would have even thought she'd be nominated. Obama, keep on causing some ruckus in the white house. go for it, i support you 100%.
in other news, i know this is old but i watch it in disbelief. just because it's hilarious. i like things that make me laugh. granted, my guy friends refuse to watch it. which makes me wonder why people are homophobic. it's not contagious. and believe it or not, all gay people aren't attracted to everyone. people like what they like and assuming someone is going to like you or find you sexually/ romantically appealing just because they're gay is the most arrogant, self-centered thing ever. on that note, cali fucked up. thumbs down to cali. i believe in live and let live, love and let love, oh and stop being freaking ridiculous. everyone should have the right to be happy and be human. afterall, we're all God's children. and it sucks that in the majority of states people aren't free to love the way i'm allowed to or to think about the future of relationships that way i can. people should be people. and love is love, as long as its genuine, then its beautiful. and for that matter some heterosexual (opposite lmao) people shouldn't be allowed to get married. some of them are so dysfunctional and destroy the sanctity of marriage. if gay people aren't allowed to be married, then they aren't the ones fucking up the divorce rate. oh cause guess what the church looks down on divorce too. sheesh
so i'm laying in bed and i'm thinking to myself...could i really be with someone who never wants a change of scenery? sometimes, i feel trapped. stuck in a situation where he refuses to appreciate new views. Boy never wants to go anywhere with me, like we don't even go to wendy's . He's complacent in the same place. sometimes it'd be nice to see something new with someone who makes you feel new. i don't know if i can do it folks. i like to be outside, experience life, be with someone who would like to be seen with me, i'm fairly fly looking. i always feel under the radar. but just with him. oh and this other boy. lets call other boy2. this boy2 is from my past... and we played a nonchalant game of flirty russian roulette for months. one day i'd see him, no attention. the next day, no attention. one random day, mad attention. next day, no attention... attention all used up. it shouldn't be that complicated. being happy shouldn't be complex. it should just be. natural and beautiful. i want something beautiful. gosh.
and comparison's are never good. so i wont compare him to other people. things with him aren't that serious, he's good at reminding me of that. so i have options open. there's something oddly magnetic about him. its not like i keep coming back, but more like i'm okay with staying.
i got a compliment today. someone told me my new york poem was somewhat perfect. i felt honored. the poem felt like a milestone to me when i was writing it. its what i do best. love poems and metaphors... the marriage of the two equals my poetry. the reality of the those two equals my sadness. i mean, when you write about things you don't feel and don't have, it's like a sad reminder of the things you feel like you're not supposed to have. get me? yes i'm young. but loneliness feels strong at any age... i was almost about to say the same but thats not exactly what i'm trying to convey. but back to the poem... i'm proud of it. i'm performing it on thursday at this venue in philly. thumsb up for me. i'm trying to get into this performing game hard core. but i'm still trying to find my poetic voice in terms of performing. my voice sounds uncomfortable on a stage, it doesn't do my words justice. anyone feel like coaching me? sweet.
i read this quote somewhere that talked about your soul shows itself at two times: fear and joy. how do you get someone to stop being scared so you can just be?
my neck, abdomen and ears all break out when exposed to costume jewlery. im allergic to fake shit. it's in my genes. what's a woman gotta do to be around real people? who are honest in their intentions... we all have intentions and expectations, its just a matter of how open we are to having those intentions and expectations be shattered to the actuality of life.
to the term catching a nap... what do i do once i caught it? do i cage it? anacaona
recap of the weekend: I ended up in Delaware. Gotta love life sometimes. I mean, my sister Mel gave me some advice that I'm going to relay to all my single people. She has a boyfriend and she's super happy and I was complaining to her about being single and she told me "you're young. and you're single. those two together are perfect. just love life." and I've been keeping that to heart. so when things present themselves and I'm not quite sure about it, I do it anyway. I want to have as little amount of regrets in my life. And people always end up regretting the things they didn't do then those things they actually did. So with that being said, I was in Delaware with my sisters and it was phenomenal. Going to DE reminds me why I love being me and being around these women. They are a blessing. It was just a great random spontaneous time. The way summers should be when you're young, single and happy.
sooo I'm going to explain this title... which was not my suggestion. It was boy's suggestion. So I don't think I've painted a correct picture of him. Boy is awkward. Socially awkward, not emotional, a little bit rigged and stiff, tends to refrain for talking to me in public, doesn't engage in PDA public displays of attention (boy hardly talks to me in public assuming we're going out somewhere which we don't so by public I mean the elevator) he's peculiar and has his own multitude of habits that I seemingly weave into my life to adapt to him (women and our accommodating nature... sheesh)..... so my trip to DE was super spontaneous. I got there at 5am Saturday morning after a party I had gone to Friday night. And I usually spend all my night time with dude watching movies. He gets chinese food, I pick a bad movie, we start watching the bad movie, he hates the bad movie, judges me and picks a really good movie that I complain about so he puts back the bad movie to make me happy and then we knock out. Good routine. But I was in DE and it was with no notice. So let me tell you I come back Sunday night, and he tells me that he missed me, and he's smiling cause he's so happy to see me. We're laying and watching the movie and he goes "I missed you" and then he turns away and says Oh my God to himself because apparently he hasn't missed someone in a long time. we'll duh, it's me! I'm freaking awesome. but besides the point. I told him I was going to blog about it and I needed a title, and he suggested the one above. so that's the story.
I'm performing at some event thing on thursday. and i have a rehearsal tomorrow. and i have no apparent clue what I'm going to perform. and i have to have this memorized wowzers. I'm a winner. hopefully someone can record me performing. cause honestly, there's no footage of me performing and I'd really like some. so that I can just add it to a portfolio of sorts. it'd be cool if people could go to youtube, look me up and be like yo she's dope. because for the record, there are amazing poets in the world who aren't on def poetry or brave new voices... so if these are your standard of poetry, go to the streets, to the communities, to the people and hear them. and then make your choices. not saying that def poetry or BNV aren't good, it just sucks when people think that's all there is or that you're not good if you aren't in either of those arenas.
i'll probably post up later. i've been in a blogging mood.
Why do we like people? I just finished watching this movie called Neo Ned. About this white guy named Ned who in a quest for a family becomes a Neo-Nazi skinhead (which fuels him to a life of trouble which he does in an attempt to mirror a father who spent more time in jail than in playground with his son) and ends up in a mental institution where he meets a self admitted damaged black woman who believes she is Adolf Hitler plagued with postpartum depression and manic depressive syndrome (played by Gabrielle Union). Needless to say, they fall in love. And watching this movie, I kind of knew it was going to happen. I mean it's Gabrielle Union. It was just a matter of what moment was going to make them fall in love and then why. What about these two people attracted the other? And I watched it. Rewound the beginning section until the part where they fall in love. and I don't know. Folks I tell you I studied this. Earlier today I watched another movie... The Cutting Edge 3. A mexican amateur hockey player is found by a talented, nearly Gold medal winning male figure skater in need of a partner. They were not supposed to fall in love, they were to keep it business. Yet they do. And I don't know when. This movie to was rewound, studied and dissected. And folks, I still don't know.
Sidenote: for those judging my movie tastes, keep it to yourself. I enjoy my movies. And on days I'm curled up, straight to TV movies or movies where Gabrielle Union stars as Adolf Hitler, hey I'm all about it.
How do people fall for each other? I wonder. And why? Physically I know attraction is based on chemical reactions with the sense of smell. The sense of smell is a powerful thing, people often neglect it. Pheromones are intense and can initially tie a person to a memory. That's why when people say hmmph I don't know why I like them just wait until they smell a familiar scent and smile. But that was a digression, sorry. Back to my rant. So you know how I'm always one for my boy stories. So this boy, I feel like he needs a name but because I'm blogging I'm going to keep him relatable. Everyone knows a boy, they might not know a Jake or a Luis or a Damon. But they most certainly know a boy. Okay so back. This boy who I'm entangled with drives me insane. Kind of like he doesn't know what he's doing with me but likes me but won't admit it and would rather drive me crazy then drive me happy. But I stick with him. I'm a sucker for loyalty. But anyhoo, I proceeded to tell my friend about him. And my friend, asks me "if he drives you crazy much then why do you hang around? You're smarter than that and could easily walk away so why don't you?" And then it hit me, I cannot come up with one plausible cause as to why I like this dude. No words. No explanations. I'm not even sure that I like him. But something keeps me where I am, gravitating towards him. And that unknown reason is more than enough. But when did it happen? Like when did I decide to keep coming back or that I even minorly enjoyed his company. I think it happened when he decided he enjoyed mine. See I'm a sucker for a few things: romance and reciprocity among them. I like things to be mutual. And once they are, I feel safe. Safe enough to even kind of sort of potentially maybe one day decide that I could actually on a good day like him. But when did it happen? What moment did we find ourselves in that I was like whoa, I fancy this cat. No freaking clue.
And I watched all these movies, trying to figure it out. Seriously. The first moment where two people look at each other and you know they don't want to look anywhere else again. Maybe if I can see where it happens I can recreate it. But would I really want to recreate magic? Hmmph. I don't know.
I would have punched that little kid. Call me a bitch if you want. But I've learned one thing: people who fuck with destiny should get punched in the face.
Serendipity: such a nice sounding word for what it means - a fortunate accident.
I've been in a poem writing frenzy which is such a refreshing feeling. But I haven't posted any of them up... so I'll post one right now. It's short cause I just posted a long blog and didn't want to flood the market.
I find myself getting comfortable
with the idea of us
find myself washing your dishes
one and a time
wondering if I could wash away your fears
sponge away at your insecurities
and let them disappear
among tap water and edible debris
i don't want to compare you to household chores
soap bubbles don't fly the way childhood ones do
the way we should and the way we would
if our relationship wasn't polluted
with specks of unidentified baggage
so my hands will trace plates
attempt to airdry the silver-lining in our emotional clouds of gray
until they look gold
transforming dishwashing into alchemy
letting you sink wholeheartedly
and protect you before you're in too deep
baptize you with tap water tears
and a touch bred to feel like home.
in case its gone unnoticed, i'm a romantic. always have been.
but i'm a pessimist. how the two co-exist is beyond me.
Argh! I wish my frustration were audible. It would sound like UHDFASAISIAHSIABLHIO!! AOASIAHRBFHUFEHH! Yes, just like that. My "trip" to New York was superbly lame and unnecessary and on top of that I got yelled at by the parents... well mostly my mom, my dad is cool but jumps on the bandwagon (I should talk to him about succumbing to peer pressure). So long story short, I have one of those relationships with my parents where I'm consistently messing up mostly by discommunicating (new word yay) myself from them. And when I do try to patch things up, make more frequent phone calls or frequent trips... I get yelled at and reprimanded for sucking, which begins the cycle once again. I don't know how to get their forgiveness. When I try to ask for it, it never goes well and they make me feel horrible about myself. The worst: a lot of my feelings I don't know how to voice in spanish. So I just end up sounding like an idiot and it makes things worse. So I'll stay silent... which makes things worse. I just can't win. Then I try to talk to my brother but he'll say something to mom and then she misconstrues it which she then throws in my face making me upset at my brother therefore making things worse. It's a dangerous thing we keep playing. That's my vent for today.
Boy... so this boy... once again ARGH. I don't know what to think. At the end of the day, you should just be with the one who makes you happy, fuck societal standards and proper lady etiquette. You should move on from the past, embrace new beginnings and just be happy. And I do want to be happy. And most of the time (and by most I really do mean most... 23 hours out of the day I'm in one of those stupid smiling moods... and then one hour scattered throughout the day I think thoughts worthy of a pessimist) I am happy. Sidenote: For a poet I need to open my vocabulary up to another word other than happy. But I find myself wondering and trying to make this fit into a conventional proper arrangement of a male-female relationship. Like in our heads as women (well at least in this woman's head and some of my friends... I don't mean to categorize all women, Lord knows I'm just getting the hang of this whole woman thing) there's a sort of timeline. The length of the timeline depends on the two people but there's a chronological list we ideally would like to follow. Something like talking, courtship, exclusivity, commitment with title. And somewhere between exclusivity and titled commitment, the relationship should turn physical. The reason we like to place it there is because it provides a cushion, where you feel safe to give a part of yourself to someone since at this point they want more than just that. Courtship involves the whole dating process, getting to know someone, breaking walls... that sort of thing. Talking establishes the foundation. So yeah, and I understand it does everyone involved a disservice if I'm constantly comparing my relationship to the lists of perfection that float on in my head. But though human interactions rarely go as planned, there are certain standards that should be upheld.
I'm conflicted. I've never been the type of leap without knowing where I was leaping to and without looking down at the space beneath me. And he's asking me to get outside my head, let go and just jump. But I'm not sure he's going to catch me. And I want to believe he will but is belief enough? Who knows. I guess the answer to the who knows should be that I should know but I don't. Or maybe (this is my latest hypothesis) I DO know. But I'm scared to admit it cause then I really would be opening myself up to a whole bunch of hurt. But with great risk comes great stuff...whoa thumbs down to me for forgetting that quotes... I think in this case, I just don't want to the risk to be one sided. I'm an advocate for reciprocity, there's not enough of that these days.
"If you wanted to be treated like a Queen, you have to act like one" B. Hargette's facebook page
It's a not so sunny day today in Philadelphia. But I am in a pretty content mood. Though I'm going home, and I'm not much of a fan of going home especially when it's to run an errand for my family on Monday mind you I have classes on Mondays. My family's priorities are a bit mixed up sometimes. But I owe them. So emergency errand on a Monday morning just to be back in Philly by the afternoon... hmmph so be it.
Things like this remind me how beautiful my people are and how contagious our culture is. Enjoy... because I certainly do =]
I haven't danced enough lately and I want to. I want to go to a party and be intoxicated by movement. Just the idea of it makes me happy. Maybe one of these days.
"I don't believe in commitment. That's like giving somebody the responsibility of your happiness, like 'here, make sure that all my orgasms are great, that I have somebody to hold on cold winter nights, & just assure me that if anybody messes with me, you'll beat them up.' Other than that, I don't see the point of marriage. But when I need my love, I get my love." -Michelle Rodriguez.
so let me explain my hiatuses because they've been happening more frequently. in a most blasphemous act, I have forgotten my blog password. yes, ladies and gentleman I have forgotten it. and thus cannot sign on. however, the technological universe aligns every so often and i am mysteriously and magically logged into blogspot thus allowing me to update my blog. it's fabulous and reminds me in little miracles. after all those are the ones worth living for.
so there's this boy. always a boy apparently with me. but never one that sticks but hey that's not the point to be debated. i won't even give you the details of this boy, the details are for myself. keeping things private makes things real plus who wants to look like an idiot if things don't work... assuming they're venturing somewhere to work? hmmph not me. but i will say this. people should not put a limit on their relationships. don't say you don't want a relationship if you want the person. im a firm believer in growth and in nature in a certain sense. the laws of nature are simple: things are interdependent and things grow. the second one is the point i am trying to make. all things need to grow, change, develop, adapt. those that fail to do any of the above die way before they're time or are seen as damaged. therefore if you are in a relationship with me (not romantic just relationship in the pure sense of the word) then we're going to need to grow, go somewhere, change, experience life in a way i wouldn't have had you not been in my life. you need to make an impact not just an appearence. and your impending absence should be less impactful that your presence. your presence should be where my memories of you lie. so im going to need you to stop sucking. to put it honestly. don't condemn us to end before you help define the beginning.
my second thought.... i need to stay true to my words and uphold my standard. as a woman, i tend to accommodate. change who i am to fit those around me. i change more for other people than they do for me. and the funny thing is people say i stay rigid and myself. but true chameleons change effortless but they know that they changed. and i do. time and time again. especially in romantic relationships. argh it makes me feel like less of a woman. though physically a woman's body is made to change to other people (i.e. sex and pregnancy) we change to let people in and change to let them out. they will grow inside us, bury themselves into us as if we were homes, change our composition, our make up... and then leave... yet spend the rest of their lives trying to find similar comfort in other women. so maybe our physically is an indicator for our emotional. our spiritual.
im realizing more and more every day. that i just want honesty. i think if you're honest with your intentions, honest with yourself, honest with other people then trust grows out of that and out of trust comes possibilities for vulnerability which isn't always a bad thing. its genuine and sincere. i just want of life full of sweet sounding words with weight behind them.
oh sidenote. i hate that people use the relationship mostly in a romantic sense. i have beautiful relationships with several people and some rather destructive relationships with other people and none of the relationships in either of those categories are romantic. some are platonic: same sex or different sex. whatever. though the topic of men and women being friends has always intrigued me. male and female relationships- friendship wise- ....hmmph someone is always hiding a portion of their intentions with the other. ... this is a blog for another day.
hopefully i am kept logged in for a while. or i remember my password.
"all i can do
is take each blow like a woman
and recognize when it's time to fall down" C.Peters
i'm a poet. i like to thing about simple and honest things. and then i like to write about them. i'm a woman. and i'm learning to appreciate that everyday. i'm human. it's a struggle but i'm still here.