Ink on paper is as beautiful to me as flowers on the mountains; God composes, why shouldn't we? ~Audra Foveo-Alba
Saturday, October 17, 2009
i wonder why i self sabotage. or how to deal with the issues i have inside of me. i have problems trusting people. anyone in general. i make him bend for me in ways he shouldn't because i'm broken. its like hey i'm broken, so let me find ways to damage you too. i think some of my fears and insecurities are merited given my life experiences but i dont know how to react to them and how to deal with myself. no one's been able to help me to do that. and i dont know how. i've tried. tried doing different things in different ways to help myself and everything fails. i'm a good pretender. and i can pretend everything is all great when its not but i can only do that for so long. i bet he wishes he never met me and every burden i bring upon him. i gotta write some poetry. but even that has been such a challenge. nothing comes out right. its all wrong. i wish he could see me the way i saw myself. just for a moment. maybe he'd understand.
^^ I HAVE AN APARTMENT!!! it's nice and cute, just perfect. I live with a girl named Dominique. She's Jamaican and is an absolute sweetheart. My parents came today and got me a bed, and some bins and brought me some food and other awesome stuff. I just finished cleaning... TWO HOURS LATER! everything is now put away and in their orderly places. This room actually looks twenty times better than my room at home. It has like a theme. Red, black and pink/orange. Most things adhere to that scheme. It's really nice and feels homey already which I really need it. I really feel like this is sanctuary. My parents like the place and their presence here made it feel homey. Nothing like a mom's touch to liven things up. They gave me a little bit of money, mostly enough to survive if I'm not going home for a week and then enough to get back home. They brought me tons of food so I'm thinking of the money as emergencies only. Honestly, I need to grow up and appreciate my parents. They've been amazing.
I don't think Jay-Z gets enough credit. The man is an empire in and of himself. He was on Oprah. The Blueprint 3 is a dope album. Some songs are better than others but that was always going to be the case. like seriously, HE WAS ON OPRAH. he took Oprah to the Marcy Projects, had her chilling on a stoop and he was a bit starstruck.
twitter has allowed me to be funny and concise. people are too lazy to read. and actually interact. fuck punctuation and proper spelling.
*that was 136 characters. and i still had 4 characters left over.
the point being: the reason i like twitter is because my wit manifests itself in clever and quirky and sarcastic one liners. that's my charm. and it also allows me to write as many random thoughts as they pop up. and you know what? people don't judge it, they embrace it. if i said everything i thought in real life, people would judge. granted part of me wouldn't care, i usually don't pay attention to people's thoughts of me. but still they would judge.
bad point about twitter: no one has conversations it seems. AIM has been rendered useless by facebook and twitter and it's a shame. cause AIM was pretty impersonal to begin with. everyone just wants you to get straight to the point, no backstory, no explanation just state your point and let the world respond.
good point about twitter: trending topics let me know whats going on with the world. its Obama is a trending topic then I know he's probably giving a speech somewhere so I should tune in. if the Giants are a trending topic then I know there's a game and I should tune in. if #uknowurawhore is a trending topic then I know someone somewhere is a whore and does not know it though i hope they aren't finding out through twitter. cause that's a shame.
So first and foremost I am back at school. I didn't think I was going to come back because truthfully, I'm not as happy at Temple as I should be. I don't want to think of college as a job. Something that you do to get to where you need to be but you don't enjoy it. It's college. It's more than just education, it's a life here. It's connections to be made and to be felt. If you don't like your college (and you're out of state) well that just makes unhappiness so much more expensive. I started two weeks late and I'm still struggling to catch up. It's intense. I still feel so behind like I get two steps ahead just to realize I'm still five steps behind. Constantly sacrificing one thing to just make ends meet academically. But I'm trying. And in this scenario, that's worth a lot. My decision to come back to philly was a haste one to say the least. One day I wasn't coming back and the next day I'm registering for classes. Mind you that whole registering fiasco was chaotic and not without its drama but I'll spare you the details. Given the fact that my decision was so abrupt (I use the word abrupt because that's what it was: an impromptu decision that disturbed a lot of things that were in order like my sanity) and I am out of state this can lead to the conclusion of "where are you living?" Great question. Currently I'm staying at my friends house.
First week I was here I basically stayed somewhere new every night. I have good people that'll let me stay with them for a night of two but haven't found someone that'll let me crash for an extended amount of time. Granted, I'd be a burden. But damn it sometimes it feels so lonely. My stubbornness and my loneliness are enough to have me live out on the street just to prove that I don't need anyone. Unfortunately the weather has been atrocious so I've been forced to seek help. But help is temporary and when I'm "kicked" out, I have to be gracious that they even let me stay in the first place. I've come to the conclusion that home is not where you rest you head. My head has been resting on floors and on couches and on futons and on chairs and none of these places are home. Why? No one is welcoming. I stay in places and the people act like its a chore so I have to be as invisible as I possibly can, hoping that if I can act as if I don't exist that they'll let me stay there an extra day. I live out of duffel bags. Carry underwear, a toothbrush and deodorant among other things in my school bag. I'm homeless. I have places to call shelter but nowhere to call home. I went home this past weekend and slept for like 20 hours. I finally felt what it was like to sleep in my bed, MY own bed in a place I call home. I felt safe, I felt wanted and for the first time in a few weeks, I felt okay. I never realized before how much my parents give me comfort. They'll always take care of me. I've been living on my own since 13 (boarding school) and I've missed being their daughter. My mom made food and I swore I understood what soul food meant. Yes we aren't black, my mom doesn't make southern soul food but her cooking and eating real food made my insides feel normal. I've been on edge for weeks.
My depression is a constant struggle. back and forth, I have my good days and bad days. Depression doesn't go away. It's something you learn to deal with and control though somedays it has a mind of its own. Given the intense stress I've been under, it's been back full forth. I don't write this for pity. I write this because I know someone out there somewhere is reading this and won't feel so alone. I write this because maybe the thought of someone reading this and understanding will help me feel less alone. Being lonely is one of my worst fears. I have severe abandonment issues so needless to say, my living situation right now is not ideal for my emotions. My body was crazy out of wack due to the stresss. I lost weight and my hair was falling out, I was constantly fatigued and I had no appetite. I felt like I was just going through the motions, regaining enough composure to not bust out in tears.
Lately I've just felt numb. Like maybe if I just stop feeling, I can do something. So I've been trying to say strong long enough to do what I need to. And it was working until I hit a major road block. I thought I was gonna have a place to live and then something happened with the credit report. I didn't get denied but there's issues so my mom can't cosign. Mind you my mother gave me 50 dollars (all she had to give) so I can eat for the next week and half. I had to give 25 to the application fee. And now I have to apply again with my father as the cosigner instead and let me tell you, once I do that and give in another 25 dollars I will be dead broke. And it's only tuesday.
Part of me feels like a failure. I'm 20 years old and what do I have to show for it: an ever changing relationship with my family, debt, loans I can't take out but I need to play for college, a semester that started out horribly, barely any money to feed myself and no place to live. But I keep telling myself that I'm alive. And that's a blessing in and of itself. I'm alive and breathing. And maybe I don't have anyone that way I wish I did but I'm learning to realize that I have myself. And one day I'm going to be enough for me. I just have got to get my life together.
in other news, there's a mouse or two running around the living room of my friends house. The living room that I stay in. I'm trying real hard to stay composed but I'm NOT a fan of vermin. So I'm gonna go outside for a walk until I'm so tired I forget there's a mouse here. My boyfriend is coming to visit tomorrow. I'm grateful for him and his visit tomorrow. I need a familiar face. And me resting my head on his chest is home for me nowadays.
i'm a poet. i like to thing about simple and honest things. and then i like to write about them. i'm a woman. and i'm learning to appreciate that everyday. i'm human. it's a struggle but i'm still here.