Saturday, October 17, 2009

i wonder why i self sabotage. or how to deal with the issues i have inside of me. i have problems trusting people. anyone in general. i make him bend for me in ways he shouldn't because i'm broken. its like hey i'm broken, so let me find ways to damage you too. i think some of my fears and insecurities are merited given my life experiences but i dont know how to react to them and how to deal with myself. no one's been able to help me to do that. and i dont know how. i've tried. tried doing different things in different ways to help myself and everything fails. i'm a good pretender. and i can pretend everything is all great when its not but i can only do that for so long. i bet he wishes he never met me and every burden i bring upon him. i gotta write some poetry. but even that has been such a challenge. nothing comes out right. its all wrong. i wish he could see me the way i saw myself. just for a moment. maybe he'd understand.

out of breath.

Saturday, October 10, 2009

new beginnings

^^ I HAVE AN APARTMENT!!! it's nice and cute, just perfect. I live with a girl named Dominique. She's Jamaican and is an absolute sweetheart. My parents came today and got me a bed, and some bins and brought me some food and other awesome stuff. I just finished cleaning... TWO HOURS LATER! everything is now put away and in their orderly places. This room actually looks twenty times better than my room at home. It has like a theme. Red, black and pink/orange. Most things adhere to that scheme. It's really nice and feels homey already which I really need it. I really feel like this is sanctuary. My parents like the place and their presence here made it feel homey. Nothing like a mom's touch to liven things up. They gave me a little bit of money, mostly enough to survive if I'm not going home for a week and then enough to get back home. They brought me tons of food so I'm thinking of the money as emergencies only. Honestly, I need to grow up and appreciate my parents. They've been amazing. 

laying down in my bed. =]
all smiles today folks. God is good.