Monday, August 31, 2009

"i crossed the line didn't i?"

i have a tendency to try and make myself someone's only option so that i'm automatically the priority. this stems from always feeling like i was second best. if you are competing with no one, you automatically win. this mentality is crazy hazardous and i am trying to work through out. but i tell you after years of thinking like this and building walls up against people, breaking it is mighty hard. this manifests itself in my insecurities and my jealous tendencies. 

i've been going through a lot. clearly, my past posts have been ridiculous! and i think because my life is somewhat out of control i'm trying to grab ahold of the one thing that seems secure. which i suppose is my relationship right now. i can't have this aspect crumble the way everything else is. but like i said before i'm a self-sabotager. so i'll find ways to damage things that won't be damaged otherwise. so i think by me trying so hard to hold onto him that i'm just choking the patience out of him and he'll leave. 

i have serious abandonment issues. and i don't know where they come from. how bizarre. i'm usually pretty good at assessing myself. 

i'm taking steps to try and fix my life. but my parents seem to have thrown me away. in terms of i'm the only one making my decisions and they aren't lending any helping hands. i'm 19. that's a pretty difficult thing. they aren't even offering their input which i desperately need right now. i'm exploring a few options but this recession is no joke. and all my options involve some type of money. funny how money isn't the root to happiness but it can sure make shit a lot easier so that you are happy. i hope by the end of the wack i have something figured out. i kind of need something to rejuvenate me and give me motivation. i'm definitely lacking that. hopefully i find it soon. you ever just need support? that'd be me. 

i contemplated whether or not to be on depression medication again. i'm going to opt out of it. it just makes me so numb. but i'm able to function. but that numbness is unsettling sometimes. its as if life is happening and you aren't really there. at least thats how it was for me the last time i took medicine. 

i'm gonna start blogging about something other than my messed up state of mind. lol. i do have other thoughts people. i promise. but i don't feel like i have another outlet to vent to. crazy how i don't even know who i'm venting to but it makes me feel better. 

oooh so my 30 day poem challenge did not go that well. the first like 2.5 weeks were great. then the last week and a half was shaky. so i'm gonna try it again in october. i'm using september as a transition month to get my life in order. so hopefully once i do that, i can be in a state of mind to write. and do something. 

at a crossroads

Sunday, August 30, 2009


you ever look back at your life and say to yourself that you weren't supposed to be like this? 

i had all the potential in the world when i was growing up. i could be anything in the world and look at me now. the only thing i am is unhappy. it wasn't supposed to be like this. i feel like i got no one in my corner and i'm just fighting to keep my head above water. always fighting, my arms are tired. always running, my legs are tired. my heart hurts. 

nothing is going right. it's hard. i've been making decisions late and now i'm just assed out. i haven't slept in about three days. my life is in shambles. i got no one. i barely have myself and i know that's a shame. you should always be your greatest ally but if your not proud of urself, it's hard to support yourself. 

i'm being tempted by old habits. things that i have no business thinking of doing but old habits die hard. i'm shameful. and i'm sorry about the venting but i guess this was more for me than anyone else. 

i need to make some major changes in my life. but i don't know where to start. i made a list, well i attempted to make a list and it looked like chicken scratch. and i'm attempting to tackle this list but i keep falling into dead ends. tomorrow or i guess later today i'm gonna make some phone calls. maybe i can get my life back on track. 

i'm getting rid of my distractions. so i'm deactivating my facebook. and getting rid of my twitter. too many people have access to me and it's just not good. it's not like they're helping me. you can be in a room full of people and still feel alone. so i'm eliminating the room full of people and just dealing with myself. i hide behind unimportant things. defense mechanism. 

my family is disappointed in me. and have let me go so to speak. he hates me. and i don't blame him. who would want to be with me being the way that i am? ever feel like God gave up on you? maybe its karma. i gave up on God a long time ago, maybe my actions are being reciprocated. call it blasphemy if you want. 

i know i won't sleep tonight. i can feel it. new days can't come if you are still holding on to the old ones.

it wasn't supposed to be like this.

Friday, August 28, 2009


i've had too much inspiration
to contain in my fingers
(read: i haven't written a poem in days)
i've attempted crafty one liners
tried to separate my soul
into syllables and sentences
i've been unsuccessful
i can break
i'm good at breaking myself
i can build walls
and tear them down
but i've managed to cross my own boundaries
tear at my foundation
i don't exist anymore
i'm just surviving
my bank is hunched
i believe, permanently so
the weight of my world 
has replaced my vertebrae
there is nothing protecting my backbone 
but burdens
i'm weak
i kiss him like insecurities
i kiss him with insecurities
sometimes i might smell like sex
some mistake it for slut
but rape smells different to other people
my hands are soft
so maybe i haven't worked hard
but my feet are calloused
constant running 
has turned into a job
in and of itself
i keep my nails long
to leave scratches on his back
in case he forgets me
i have one of those
"excuse me what did you say that was" 
kind of names
so i've found ways to make myself memorable
cushion his dick
between the only walls i haven't managed to tear down
he calls me home
i guess that's close enough
i'm a crier
it's shameful
but sometimes when i can't breathe
the oxygen in my tears
can be soothing
it's amazing
the lies we tell ourselves to heal
all the crying in the world
won't reduce the amount of disappointment
i've cultivated
self-pity won't pay back loans
or give me one more chance
i'm overwhelmed
my mind is scattered 
i'm the bigger person
teenager forced to be an adult
too often
but never allowed to grow up
if you are a mother of three
with you're own life to lead
leave mine alone
blood relations is no excuse for bitch
i'm sorry for whatever you have been told
i dish out what i can take
if you can't then perhaps you should just mind your children
i am angry
i've had months of festering hatred
eating at my insides
my chest hurts
giving back the rib i never meant to borrow 
has left a gaping hole
i'm caving in on myself
there is no light
at the end of black holes
but i'd settle for disappearing
anything is better than crying
anything is better than this
i don't know has overtaken my vocabulary
years of schooling
years of life
have been reduced to uncertainty
i'm trying to be quiet
when you apologize for apologizing
it's like a double negative
you might as well have kept your mouth shut
i've been talking lately
just to keep from thinking
i'm dangerous
not in a attractive way
dangerous like
blood looks better when its on top of my skin
rather than being confined 
my organs are selfish
and unnecessary 
once i stop swallowing my pride
i won't need my stomach
i'm a smoker
killing myself slowly cause 
if i did it any faster they would call me selfish
and say they couldn't see it coming
lies go down easier 
when someone's voice is six feet under yours
i'm a drinker
but if my mind could be on public display
you'd need a few drinks too
i'm a self sabotager
i can ruin my life without any help from you
call me self sufficient
but i'm all i need to hate myself
often i'm uncomfortable
do you hear her moans instead of mine
it's silly
but girlfriend and best friend
might be interchangeable 
i want a nickname
not now that i've announced but yesterday
a nickname would have been nice
but thats something between you two
heavy breathing
pillow talk
and my jealousy gets the best of me
yes i'm jealous
yes i admit it
perhaps you might leave me
i'm terribly scared of being alone
i enjoy my own company only as a last resort
i wouldn't wish me upon my worst enemy
yes i can be that bad
i'm scared of the dark
i hate not knowing
surprises make me nauseous
mistakes shouldn't be born
they should be covered up
i can be horrible
did i say i was scattered?
cause if i didn't then i'm sorry
cause i am
i've traded in my metaphors
i don't like my as too much these days
trying to ground myself in reality
sometimes its not dark like anything
sometimes its just dark
i've had too much inspiration
to contain in my fingers
(read: i haven't written a poem in days)


Friday, August 21, 2009

crying while doing dishes = pathetic

i've had a troublesome day. case in point: i was washing some dishes like 15 minutes ago and i just started to cry it was one of those days. where nothing seems right. my family life is in shambles, my love life seems to be a mess and me as a person... well i just feel pathetic. ever have those moments where you get tired of fighting, tired of struggling. i wish i could just be. and i know people say it's simple. once you make the decision to just be, then it'll happen. my heart just hurts. my soul is all kinds of fatigued. i'm trying to keep my head above water. but for whatever reason, drama and problems just find me. it's like everything aligns to keep me from breathing. i don't know what it is. i don't remember doing anything to elicit this bad of karma. 

i'm trying to figure out what i can do. are there things i have to give up? i just feel so overwhelmingly lonely today. i haven't felt like this in a while. like i'm fighting a losing battle. it's easy to fight when you know you're going to win. but to know that no matter what you do, it'll never be enough can break you. and that's what i feel like today. i thought i'd be done with the depressing blogs for a while. i actually have a lot of productive blog ideas but today it was just too much for me. i didn't know what else to do or who to talk to. i keep getting yelled at or people get mad at me. and i don't know what i'm doing wrong. i'm trying so hard to be good. to stay out of trouble and just be happy. but the universe just seems to finds way to make me feel everything but happy. my surroundings just seem so unhealthy. i need a break. 

all kinds of broken. 

Wednesday, August 19, 2009

you are nothing short of my everything

he's wonderful. and we are .... so i'm speechless and can't think of an adjective but i promise when i think of an adjective strong enough to define what we are then u got it folks.

all smiles today

Saturday, August 15, 2009

its silly really

he was supposed to call me at 8. he forgot. so i call him at like 805. call it silly but whatever. so then he called me back. because i called him not because he was supposed to call me at 8. i get upset. its windy in the background. so i tell him to call me later and hang up. he texts me and says he will not call me back until i learn to stop hanging up on people. 

we're constantly arguing or upset with each other. i hate it. it upsets me. maybe he doesn't want to see me on monday =[ its turning into one of those maybe we should quit while we're behind.


family ties

i'm starting to understand what people mean when they say, the older you get, the closer you get to your parents. i hung out with my mother all day today. and it was great. we had conversation, we walked around, window shopped. it was effortless. my mother and i can be good friends one day. but as of right now, we're building a relationship. i hope i don't mess this one up anytime soon. 

my father and i on the other hand have not talked. in about 2 months. i've barely heard him talk in the past few weeks. it's tense. i don't know when its going to get better but it doesn't seem to be getting better any time soon.

you can pick your nose
but you can't pick your family.

Wednesday, August 12, 2009

hump day

People seldom do what they believe in. They do what is convenient, then repent.

ever have those moments where you have so much on your mind but can't put your finger on anyone thought? that's me right now.

insane in the membrane, 

Saturday, August 8, 2009

poetry challenge

these are some of the poems that i've done since the start of august.

this was day 1

Stockholm Syndrome

He doesn’t know how to hold a rape victim
And I haven’t learned
How to not wear shoes to bed
Bruised labias can only kiss the scars on his ego for so long
We play pretend
Make believe instead of love
No one teaches us how to love scars
Instead we learn to cover blemishes with make up
And he learned to cover me in bed sheets
While I made up excuses to stay
He would get mad at me when I said no
Wrinkle up the space between his eyes with disappointment
Step out of the room
Expecting me to leave by the time he returned
He wouldn’t kiss me after sex
Just let me lay there
Step out of the room
Expecting me to leave by the time he returned
I always left
And like women too scared to go to precincts smelling like him
I sat
In corners of bathtubs
Drowning in self-pity 
I scrubbed like skin was just a collection of bad memories
He always said I smelled nice
I knew I smelled like lies
But I always said thank you
I felt like less of a woman
Every time I sunk into his mattress

day 3

flowers are meant to grow in gardens
there is nothing beautiful
about your captivity, dear
and i'm tired of having
to look so hard for your good parts
Baby, your petals are wilting
and it's getting harder 
for me to look at you.
i just want to give you kisses
sweet like sugar
and if only you would let me,
your roots would be free
to sleep in earth
and peek up at stars.
there are no perks to being a wallflower
just ask moss
they always give direction
but they never go anywhere

day 5

it's a recession
when parents give children
sips of nyquil 
so they can have a moment 
to act like grownups

working job after job
makes free time expensive
they can't afford to be adults
when they have babies
and i feel bad
for parents who have children crawling into bed
beds are banks for dreams
for passions
that they put on hold 
for rainy days and sleepaway camps
they should be allowed
to have one thing 
that's just their own
even if its just an orgasm or two

day 8

he looks good
like the kind of guy
concocted from day dreams
where he's never meant for me
until right before the credits start to roll
he looks good enough to stare at
makes me blush
butterflies in my ventricles
excuse me
while my heart attacks

i'd spend all day kissing him
just to taste his atmosphere

this challenge makes me look forward to the days to come.

pushup contest. i win. im a beast.

i went to costco's today with my mom and dad. it was a cute little family bonding trip. its crazy how little things like that just make you feel like more of a family. i noticed today that my parents are getting older. their memory is slower and typical of aging folk. i feel bad. so i've decided to avoid arguing with them. though it's not like i ever mean to. but they're just so cute. i can't bear to give them any more gray hairs.

Boo said I don't blog enough. wacktastic. so i had to post this.

Update on my 30 day challenge:
it's going pretty well. i've been keeping up with my poems, being consistent. and i'm coming up with some dope lines. and some cool concepts. i got 23 more days to go. hopefully i continue with my consistency. 

excuse me while my heart attacks,

Sunday, August 2, 2009

how to push my buttons

I hate it when people ask me if I know something or did a particular activity during my childhood, when I say no... they get all kinds of offended and act shocked. Yes, I did grow up in America but my household was completely Dominican and Latino in every sense of the word. I didn't know english until i was 7. so why would you think that me and you have the same kind of pop culture references in our past? most things about American childhoods, i've learned as i've gotten older. i grew up with Sabado Gigante, telenovelas and very strict rules. I didn't watch American TV because i didn't understand it, except for Barney. he was my dude! and the Big Comfy Couch, everything else. leave me alone. argh. i hate that.

yes i'm having an AIM conversation where someone got offended cause i had no idea what Tron was. i called him an ass. and i didn't even give do him a favor by googling it. 

ticked off,

rainy days

"can't you see that it's just raining?
there ain't no need to go outside"

rainy days always put me in the cuddling mood. yet i have no one to cuddle with except my body pillow which nowadays has become my boyfriend. some hot chocolate, a good movie or book sound so good right now so i think im going to indulge in it.

i've started the 30 day poem challenge which i recommend all poets do. one poem a day everyday for 30 days. i'll post up the ones i feel are post worthy. sometimes some poems just need to come out, but they're not meant to be shared. but the ones that are, i'll make sure to write them up. this is the third time i've done this challenge this year. let me tell you, it never gets easier but it does get more rewarding. its also just good practice.

i remember having several relationship conversations with my friends. they would often tell me how they weren't ready for a relationship. and i never understood what that meant. i mean, if you find someone you like and they like you back then a relationship is the next step, duh. but now i've realized i don't think i'm ready for a relationship. mind you, i'm not a big fan of being single. i enjoy the freedom but not the whole temporary mini relationships with several people. u get close enough to people to decide if either of u want to invest the time, then if one person doesn't the other then has to figure out what to do with the developing feelings. it's just a lot of awkward. but i like relationships, at least the idea of them. and i used to be good at relationships when i was younger, go figure. now that i'm older and wiser, i'm horrible at them. but when it's raining, i wish i had someone to cuddle with. some couch snuggling, a good movie, some hot cocoa... oh it'd be so nice. but when it's not raining, ehh. i can do without. though it'd still be nice . i'm a big mess of contradictions.

i'd make him banana pancakes,