Tuesday, September 29, 2009

diaphragm expand

sometimes i don't wash my make up off before i go to bed
i want to feel beautiful in my dreams
sometimes i wash my make up off before i go to bed
let my skin breathe
so that i can feel beautiful in my dreams
i love being human
contradiction is lovely

getting ready for bed

an accomplishment is an accomplishment no matter how big or small

i don't do this often but i guess it's time i write a bit of a goal list:

a. remember to breathe
b. learn what kind of prayer works for me (trying to establish my relationship with God)
c. get a 4.0 this semester. i dont care if i started two weeks late with no books, i will get on my grind and get my 4.0.
d. step my poetry game up. i gotta let my soul speak. its been too stressed.
e. find a place to live: last on the list because if it doesn't happen then i'll just keep bouncing around. school is my priority. breathing is my priority. 

its small but a start.

concrete jungle where dreams are made of

I don't think Jay-Z gets enough credit. The man is an empire in and of himself. He was on Oprah. The Blueprint 3 is a dope album. Some songs are better than others but that was always going to be the case. like seriously, HE WAS ON OPRAH. he took Oprah to the Marcy Projects, had her chilling on a stoop and he was a bit starstruck.

if you can make it here...


twitter has allowed me to be funny and concise. people are too lazy to read. and actually interact. fuck punctuation and proper spelling.

*that was 136 characters. and i still had 4 characters left over.

the point being: the reason i like twitter is because my wit manifests itself in clever and quirky and sarcastic one liners. that's my charm. and it also allows me to write as many random thoughts as they pop up. and you know what? people don't judge it, they embrace it. if i said everything i thought in real life, people would judge. granted part of me wouldn't care, i usually don't pay attention to people's thoughts of me. but still they would judge.

bad point about twitter: no one has conversations it seems. AIM has been rendered useless by facebook and twitter and it's a shame. cause AIM was pretty impersonal to begin with. everyone just wants you to get straight to the point, no backstory, no explanation just state your point and let the world respond.

good point about twitter: trending topics let me know whats going on with the world. its Obama is a trending topic then I know he's probably giving a speech somewhere so I should tune in. if the Giants are a trending topic then I know there's a game and I should tune in. if #uknowurawhore is a trending topic then I know someone somewhere is a whore and does not know it though i hope they aren't finding out through twitter. cause that's a shame.

on that note, follow me on twitter @mespi5

i'm a warhol already

I felt like a proper update is necessary.

So first and foremost I am back at school. I didn't think I was going to come back because truthfully, I'm not as happy at Temple as I should be. I don't want to think of college as a job. Something that you do to get to where you need to be but you don't enjoy it. It's college. It's more than just education, it's a life here. It's connections to be made and to be felt. If you don't like your college (and you're out of state) well that just makes unhappiness so much more expensive. I started two weeks late and I'm still struggling to catch up. It's intense. I still feel so behind like I get two steps ahead just to realize I'm still five steps behind. Constantly sacrificing one thing to just make ends meet academically. But I'm trying. And in this scenario, that's worth a lot. My decision to come back to philly was a haste one to say the least. One day I wasn't coming back and the next day I'm registering for classes. Mind you that whole registering fiasco was chaotic and not without its drama but I'll spare you the details. Given the fact that my decision was so abrupt (I use the word abrupt because that's what it was: an impromptu decision that disturbed a lot of things that were in order like my sanity) and I am out of state this can lead to the conclusion of "where are you living?" Great question. Currently I'm staying at my friends house. 

First week I was here I basically stayed somewhere new every night. I have good people that'll let me stay with them for a night of two but haven't found someone that'll let me crash for an extended amount of time. Granted, I'd be a burden. But damn it sometimes it feels so lonely. My stubbornness and my loneliness are enough to have me live out on the street just to prove that I don't need anyone. Unfortunately the weather has been atrocious so I've been forced to seek help. But help is temporary and when I'm "kicked" out, I have to be gracious that they even let me stay in the first place. I've come to the conclusion that home is not where you rest you head. My head has been resting on floors and on couches and on futons and on chairs and none of these places are home. Why? No one is welcoming. I stay in places and the people act like its a chore so I have to be as invisible as I possibly can, hoping that if I can act as if I don't exist that they'll let me stay there an extra day. I live out of duffel bags. Carry underwear, a toothbrush and deodorant among other things in my school bag. I'm homeless. I have places to call shelter but nowhere to call home. I went home this past weekend and slept for like 20 hours. I finally felt what it was like to sleep in my bed, MY own bed in a place I call home. I felt safe, I felt wanted and for the first time in a few weeks, I felt okay. I never realized before how much my parents give me comfort. They'll always take care of me. I've been living on my own since 13 (boarding school) and I've missed being their daughter. My mom made food and I swore I understood what soul food meant. Yes we aren't black, my mom doesn't make southern soul food but her cooking and eating real food made my insides feel normal. I've been on edge for weeks.

My depression is a constant struggle. back and forth, I have my good days and bad days. Depression doesn't go away. It's something you learn to deal with and control though somedays it has a mind of its own. Given the intense stress I've been under, it's been back full forth. I don't write this for pity. I write this because I know someone out there somewhere is reading this and won't feel so alone. I write this because maybe the thought of someone reading this and understanding will help me feel less alone. Being lonely is one of my worst fears. I have severe abandonment issues so needless to say, my living situation right now is not ideal for my emotions. My body was crazy out of wack due to the stresss. I lost weight and my hair was falling out, I was constantly fatigued and I had no appetite. I felt like I was just going through the motions, regaining enough composure to not bust out in tears.

Lately I've just felt numb. Like maybe if I just stop feeling, I can do something. So I've been trying to say strong long enough to do what I need to. And it was working until I hit a major road block. I thought I was gonna have a place to live and then something happened with the credit report. I didn't get denied but there's issues so my mom can't cosign. Mind you my mother gave me 50 dollars (all she had to give) so I can eat for the next week and half. I had to give 25 to the application fee. And now I have to apply again with my father as the cosigner instead and let me tell you, once I do that and give in another 25 dollars I will be dead broke. And it's only tuesday. 

Part of me feels like a failure. I'm 20 years old and what do I have to show for it: an ever changing relationship with my family, debt, loans I can't take out but I need to play for college, a semester that started out horribly, barely any money to feed myself and no place to live. But I keep telling myself that I'm alive. And that's a blessing in and of itself. I'm alive and breathing. And maybe I don't have anyone that way I wish I did but I'm learning to realize that I have myself. And one day I'm going to be enough for me. I just have got to get my life together. 

in other news, there's a mouse or two running around the living room of my friends house. The living room that I stay in. I'm trying real hard to stay composed but I'm NOT a fan of vermin. So I'm gonna go outside for a walk until I'm so tired I forget there's a mouse here. My boyfriend is coming to visit tomorrow. I'm grateful for him and his visit tomorrow. I need a familiar face. And me resting my head on his chest is home for me nowadays. 

missing home.

Sunday, September 27, 2009


remember those days before facebook was such a big deal. i was thinking about it before and facebook is huge. think about it. 

example 1: the act of unfriending someone. talk about the ultimate diss. this action reads as "you aren't even good enough to know my religious views or the quirky things i put as my status" or "i dont want people to know that we are mutual friends". that's intense

example 2: the moment you put in a relationship. the questions start pouring in. or people start to "like" it and you're like who are you. i dont know you but you "like" my relationship.

i miss the days when my life was based on being social as opposed to based on social networks. 

don't worry twitter. i will blog about you too.

Saturday, September 26, 2009

things change.

he used to write poems about me.
not anymore.
when did things change?


Wednesday, September 23, 2009

evening inquiries

i started to think about relationships. more important the way that they form and develop. i am guilty of rushing. in my fear with rejection i just always want to know good or bad. (by relationships i dont always mean romantic) i am quick to put all my eggs in a basket or no eggs in a basket. i have a hard time finding a medium. go hard or go home has always been my motto. i just never know what the proper amount of caution is. i either throw caution to the wind or allow it to dominate me.

for example, how do you get to know someone? ex. my boyfriend way back in the day when we were just "talking" had said that he wanted to get to know me. when we choose to get to know someone, what are we expecting? is it one of those "i want to get to know you" so that this goes somewhere or just to get to know you? and what do you decide to get to know? and how do you know when that's enough? i've talked to people and when you ask them "tell me something about you" every one always comes up blank. like in all the years you have been alive, everything you've experience and everything you believe and have feelings about, there is nothing you can say. 

but i think sometimes when you go into something thinking it has to lead to something than you never really get to experience it the way you should. sometimes we taint the present with thoughts of the future. tomorrow has no place in today sometimes. 

i have a lot of these random thoughts.

Thursday, September 17, 2009

quick update

yesterday was my birthday but it was a piece of shit that it didnt even merit a blog acknowledgment. 

i dont deserve to be with him. he should just break up with me already.

my physics teacher is russian and has a ridiculous accent that i cannot understand.

i think i have bronchitis. =[ it hurts when i cough. sore throat. fever. 

ive been natural for 9 months. im proud of myself. 

ive been sad. every day. for the longest time. its hard pretending to be strong.

im scatter brained right now.

Monday, September 7, 2009

labor day pains

i'm caught within a rock and a hard place. there's the decision i'm making to make people happy but its not really within my means and then i have there is the decision i want to make but that i will never be supported if i do it. the second choice is also a really scary big step that i never thought would be me. yes, im being vague. but i don't feel like being specific. 

being young has one horrible disadvantage: no one takes you seriously. the feelings i feel are always discredited by "adults" as being impulsive and a phase. when it fact being impulsive and spontaneous has nothing to do with making bad decisions. i've made bad decisions after thinking them through and then thinking some more. but the decision i want to make would be one of the happiest thing i'd ever do. nothing bad about it at all, it's just fast.

but everything in my life has been moving fast. nothing slows down. but nothing seems to be happening even though nothing is happening fast. 

in other news, i had the best few days with my boo. i cried like a hot mess on the greyhound bus saying good bye to him. argh, i felt like i was leaving part of myself behind. we definitely needed the time together. it was the most time that we have been together since being official. actually its the most time we've spent together since we've known each other. it was perfect. we went grocery shopping, made dinner, watched movies, took walks, i went to his job (he lifeguards so you can interpret this as me tanning...) we held hands everywhere. yes we were that nauseatingly cute couple and we were okay with that. ooooh we got on a boat. he made me paddle... he realized that i'm all about food. and he fed me consistently. i probably gained a good 5-6 lbs. i met his dad who is addicted to mafia wars. there were some awkward moments and one particularly cranky moment due to me and my lack of patience, but i'm not going to ruin the time with mentioning them. its old news. he's absolutely amazing. perfect for me. we really understand each other and want to take care of each other. its calming. granted he's making some decisions that make me sad but he has to do what's good for him. leaving him was one of the hardest thing i've had to do in a very long time. 

it's really hard to make decisions when you feel like you are on your own and have no safety net. that's how i feel. like i'm just throwing myself out on a limb with no type of support system. yes the boo supports but he has his own share of issues to solve. my parents are both distracted with different things: my mom is focused on my brother and my dad basically hates me. so both of those things just mean that i'm by myself trying to figure out my life. i'm 19. granted i'm turning 20 soon but i'm still young and i know that. i'd love some help. i seriously considered joining the army. i still might. but that would be one of those impulsive decisions that i'd make and i'd figure out the details way too late i.e. when i'm already committed to it. 

there's some decisions that i've made that i'm definitely going to wait and see how it pans out before i blog about it. fingers crossed. i'm finding myself praying more often. i'm not the religious type. but every once in a while, i'll look up and talk to someone. whether it's God or myself, i'm considering this talking out loud my form of prayer. my prayer doesn't consist of bible verses. but it does consist of belief. i think that's enough

i havent written a poem in a while. thumbs down to my writer's block.

i miss him.