Tuesday, September 29, 2009

i'm a warhol already

I felt like a proper update is necessary.

So first and foremost I am back at school. I didn't think I was going to come back because truthfully, I'm not as happy at Temple as I should be. I don't want to think of college as a job. Something that you do to get to where you need to be but you don't enjoy it. It's college. It's more than just education, it's a life here. It's connections to be made and to be felt. If you don't like your college (and you're out of state) well that just makes unhappiness so much more expensive. I started two weeks late and I'm still struggling to catch up. It's intense. I still feel so behind like I get two steps ahead just to realize I'm still five steps behind. Constantly sacrificing one thing to just make ends meet academically. But I'm trying. And in this scenario, that's worth a lot. My decision to come back to philly was a haste one to say the least. One day I wasn't coming back and the next day I'm registering for classes. Mind you that whole registering fiasco was chaotic and not without its drama but I'll spare you the details. Given the fact that my decision was so abrupt (I use the word abrupt because that's what it was: an impromptu decision that disturbed a lot of things that were in order like my sanity) and I am out of state this can lead to the conclusion of "where are you living?" Great question. Currently I'm staying at my friends house. 

First week I was here I basically stayed somewhere new every night. I have good people that'll let me stay with them for a night of two but haven't found someone that'll let me crash for an extended amount of time. Granted, I'd be a burden. But damn it sometimes it feels so lonely. My stubbornness and my loneliness are enough to have me live out on the street just to prove that I don't need anyone. Unfortunately the weather has been atrocious so I've been forced to seek help. But help is temporary and when I'm "kicked" out, I have to be gracious that they even let me stay in the first place. I've come to the conclusion that home is not where you rest you head. My head has been resting on floors and on couches and on futons and on chairs and none of these places are home. Why? No one is welcoming. I stay in places and the people act like its a chore so I have to be as invisible as I possibly can, hoping that if I can act as if I don't exist that they'll let me stay there an extra day. I live out of duffel bags. Carry underwear, a toothbrush and deodorant among other things in my school bag. I'm homeless. I have places to call shelter but nowhere to call home. I went home this past weekend and slept for like 20 hours. I finally felt what it was like to sleep in my bed, MY own bed in a place I call home. I felt safe, I felt wanted and for the first time in a few weeks, I felt okay. I never realized before how much my parents give me comfort. They'll always take care of me. I've been living on my own since 13 (boarding school) and I've missed being their daughter. My mom made food and I swore I understood what soul food meant. Yes we aren't black, my mom doesn't make southern soul food but her cooking and eating real food made my insides feel normal. I've been on edge for weeks.

My depression is a constant struggle. back and forth, I have my good days and bad days. Depression doesn't go away. It's something you learn to deal with and control though somedays it has a mind of its own. Given the intense stress I've been under, it's been back full forth. I don't write this for pity. I write this because I know someone out there somewhere is reading this and won't feel so alone. I write this because maybe the thought of someone reading this and understanding will help me feel less alone. Being lonely is one of my worst fears. I have severe abandonment issues so needless to say, my living situation right now is not ideal for my emotions. My body was crazy out of wack due to the stresss. I lost weight and my hair was falling out, I was constantly fatigued and I had no appetite. I felt like I was just going through the motions, regaining enough composure to not bust out in tears.

Lately I've just felt numb. Like maybe if I just stop feeling, I can do something. So I've been trying to say strong long enough to do what I need to. And it was working until I hit a major road block. I thought I was gonna have a place to live and then something happened with the credit report. I didn't get denied but there's issues so my mom can't cosign. Mind you my mother gave me 50 dollars (all she had to give) so I can eat for the next week and half. I had to give 25 to the application fee. And now I have to apply again with my father as the cosigner instead and let me tell you, once I do that and give in another 25 dollars I will be dead broke. And it's only tuesday. 

Part of me feels like a failure. I'm 20 years old and what do I have to show for it: an ever changing relationship with my family, debt, loans I can't take out but I need to play for college, a semester that started out horribly, barely any money to feed myself and no place to live. But I keep telling myself that I'm alive. And that's a blessing in and of itself. I'm alive and breathing. And maybe I don't have anyone that way I wish I did but I'm learning to realize that I have myself. And one day I'm going to be enough for me. I just have got to get my life together. 

in other news, there's a mouse or two running around the living room of my friends house. The living room that I stay in. I'm trying real hard to stay composed but I'm NOT a fan of vermin. So I'm gonna go outside for a walk until I'm so tired I forget there's a mouse here. My boyfriend is coming to visit tomorrow. I'm grateful for him and his visit tomorrow. I need a familiar face. And me resting my head on his chest is home for me nowadays. 

missing home.

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