Monday, September 7, 2009

labor day pains

i'm caught within a rock and a hard place. there's the decision i'm making to make people happy but its not really within my means and then i have there is the decision i want to make but that i will never be supported if i do it. the second choice is also a really scary big step that i never thought would be me. yes, im being vague. but i don't feel like being specific. 

being young has one horrible disadvantage: no one takes you seriously. the feelings i feel are always discredited by "adults" as being impulsive and a phase. when it fact being impulsive and spontaneous has nothing to do with making bad decisions. i've made bad decisions after thinking them through and then thinking some more. but the decision i want to make would be one of the happiest thing i'd ever do. nothing bad about it at all, it's just fast.

but everything in my life has been moving fast. nothing slows down. but nothing seems to be happening even though nothing is happening fast. 

in other news, i had the best few days with my boo. i cried like a hot mess on the greyhound bus saying good bye to him. argh, i felt like i was leaving part of myself behind. we definitely needed the time together. it was the most time that we have been together since being official. actually its the most time we've spent together since we've known each other. it was perfect. we went grocery shopping, made dinner, watched movies, took walks, i went to his job (he lifeguards so you can interpret this as me tanning...) we held hands everywhere. yes we were that nauseatingly cute couple and we were okay with that. ooooh we got on a boat. he made me paddle... he realized that i'm all about food. and he fed me consistently. i probably gained a good 5-6 lbs. i met his dad who is addicted to mafia wars. there were some awkward moments and one particularly cranky moment due to me and my lack of patience, but i'm not going to ruin the time with mentioning them. its old news. he's absolutely amazing. perfect for me. we really understand each other and want to take care of each other. its calming. granted he's making some decisions that make me sad but he has to do what's good for him. leaving him was one of the hardest thing i've had to do in a very long time. 

it's really hard to make decisions when you feel like you are on your own and have no safety net. that's how i feel. like i'm just throwing myself out on a limb with no type of support system. yes the boo supports but he has his own share of issues to solve. my parents are both distracted with different things: my mom is focused on my brother and my dad basically hates me. so both of those things just mean that i'm by myself trying to figure out my life. i'm 19. granted i'm turning 20 soon but i'm still young and i know that. i'd love some help. i seriously considered joining the army. i still might. but that would be one of those impulsive decisions that i'd make and i'd figure out the details way too late i.e. when i'm already committed to it. 

there's some decisions that i've made that i'm definitely going to wait and see how it pans out before i blog about it. fingers crossed. i'm finding myself praying more often. i'm not the religious type. but every once in a while, i'll look up and talk to someone. whether it's God or myself, i'm considering this talking out loud my form of prayer. my prayer doesn't consist of bible verses. but it does consist of belief. i think that's enough

i havent written a poem in a while. thumbs down to my writer's block.

i miss him.

No comments: