Saturday, May 16, 2009

there's always a boy.

so let me explain my hiatuses because they've been happening more frequently. in a most blasphemous act, I have forgotten my blog password. yes, ladies and gentleman I have forgotten it. and thus cannot sign on. however, the technological universe aligns every so often and i am mysteriously and magically logged into blogspot thus allowing me to update my blog. it's fabulous and reminds me in little miracles. after all those are the ones worth living for. 

so there's this boy. always a boy apparently with me. but never one that sticks but hey that's not the point to be debated. i won't even give you the details of this boy, the details are for myself. keeping things private makes things real plus who wants to look like an idiot if things don't work... assuming they're venturing somewhere to work? hmmph not me. but i will say this. people should not put a limit on their relationships. don't say you don't want a relationship if you want the person. im a firm believer in growth and in nature in a certain sense. the laws of nature are simple: things are interdependent and things grow. the second one is the point i am trying to make. all things need to grow, change, develop, adapt. those that fail to do any of the above die way before they're time or are seen as damaged. therefore if you are in a relationship with me (not romantic just relationship in the pure sense of the word) then we're going to need to grow, go somewhere, change, experience life in a way i wouldn't have had you not been in my life. you need to make an impact not just an appearence. and your impending absence should be less impactful that your presence. your presence should be where my memories of you lie. so im going to need you to stop sucking. to put it honestly. don't condemn us to end before you help define the beginning. 

my second thought.... i need to stay true to my words and uphold my standard. as a woman, i tend to accommodate. change who i am to fit those around me. i change more for other people than they do for me. and the funny thing is people say i stay rigid and myself. but true chameleons change effortless but they know that they changed. and i do. time and time again. especially in romantic relationships. argh it makes me feel like less of a woman. though physically a woman's body is made to change to other people (i.e. sex and pregnancy) we change to let people in and change to let them out. they will grow inside us, bury themselves into us as if we were homes, change our composition, our make up... and then leave... yet spend the rest of their lives trying to find similar comfort in other women. so maybe our physically is an indicator for our emotional. our spiritual. 

im realizing more and more every day. that i just want honesty. i think if you're honest with your intentions, honest with yourself, honest with other people then trust grows out of that and out of trust comes possibilities for vulnerability which isn't always a bad thing. its genuine and sincere. i just want of life full of sweet sounding words with weight behind them. 

oh sidenote. i hate that people use the relationship mostly in a romantic sense. i have beautiful relationships with several people and some rather destructive relationships with other people and none of the relationships in either of those categories are romantic. some are platonic: same sex or different sex. whatever. though the topic of men and women being friends has always intrigued me. male and female relationships- friendship wise- ....hmmph someone is always hiding a portion of their intentions with the other. ... this is a blog for another day. 

hopefully i am kept logged in for a while. or i remember my password. 

"all i can do
is take each blow like a woman
and recognize when it's time to fall down" C.Peters

i keep pretty talented company,

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