Wednesday, May 20, 2009

chockful of crap

Argh! I wish my frustration were audible. It would sound like UHDFASAISIAHSIABLHIO!! AOASIAHRBFHUFEHH! Yes, just like that. My "trip" to New York was superbly lame and unnecessary and on top of that I got yelled at by the parents... well mostly my mom, my dad is cool but jumps on the bandwagon (I should talk to him about succumbing to peer pressure). So long story short, I have one of those relationships with my parents where I'm consistently messing up mostly by discommunicating (new word yay) myself from them. And when I do try to patch things up, make more frequent phone calls or frequent trips... I get yelled at and reprimanded for sucking, which begins the cycle once again. I don't know how to get their forgiveness. When I try to ask for it, it never goes well and they make me feel horrible about myself. The worst: a lot of my feelings I don't know how to voice in spanish. So I just end up sounding like an idiot and it makes things worse. So I'll stay silent... which makes things worse. I just can't win. Then I try to talk to my brother but he'll say something to mom and then she misconstrues it which she then throws in my face making me upset at my brother therefore making things worse. It's a dangerous thing we keep playing. That's my vent for today.

Boy... so this boy... once again ARGH. I don't know what to think. At the end of the day, you should just be with the one who makes you happy, fuck societal standards and proper lady etiquette. You should move on from the past, embrace new beginnings and just be happy. And I do want to be happy. And most of the time (and by most I really do mean most... 23 hours out of the day I'm in one of those stupid smiling moods... and then one hour scattered throughout the day I think thoughts worthy of a pessimist) I am happy. Sidenote: For a poet I need to open my vocabulary up to another word other than happy. But I find myself wondering and trying to make this fit into a conventional proper arrangement of a male-female relationship. Like in our heads as women (well at least in this woman's head and some of my friends... I don't mean to categorize all women, Lord knows I'm just getting the hang of this whole woman thing) there's a sort of timeline. The length of the timeline depends on the two people but there's a chronological list we ideally would like to follow. Something like talking, courtship, exclusivity, commitment with title. And somewhere between exclusivity and titled commitment, the relationship should turn physical. The reason we like to place it there is because it provides a cushion, where you feel safe to give a part of yourself to someone since at this point they want more than just that. Courtship involves the whole dating process, getting to know someone, breaking walls... that sort of thing. Talking establishes the foundation. So yeah, and I understand it does everyone involved a disservice if I'm constantly comparing my relationship to the lists of perfection that float on in my head. But though human interactions rarely go as planned, there are certain standards that should be upheld. 

I'm conflicted. I've never been the type of leap without knowing where I was leaping to and without looking down at the space beneath me. And he's asking me to get outside my head, let go and just jump. But I'm not sure he's going to catch me. And I want to believe he will but is belief enough? Who knows. I guess the answer to the who knows should be that I should know but I don't. Or maybe (this is my latest hypothesis) I DO know. But I'm scared to admit it cause then I really would be opening myself up to a whole bunch of hurt. But with great risk comes great stuff...whoa thumbs down to me for forgetting that quotes... I think in this case, I just don't want to the risk to be one sided. I'm an advocate for reciprocity, there's not enough of that these days.

"If you wanted to be treated like a Queen, you have to act like one" B. Hargette's facebook page


1 comment:

I.Am.Spoken.Word. said...

i am right there with you, sis.
it was only until a few months ago that i finally jumped over that game playing hurdle with my parents. i'd found a way to be vocal about how i felt, because i was tired of the cycle. it still takes some time to remind them that i'm not a teenager anymore (far from it chronologically). things are progressing nicely between the three of us now.

and i fully emphathize with your man woes (it IS always about a boy, isn't it??? haha). me and my guy are on a "break". Hmm. that's all i'm going to say about that.

love your honesty.
oh. and no need to up your vocab. the mark of a true writer is knowing how to use words...not just picking the right ones. :)