insomnia

so i'm laying in bed and i'm thinking to myself...could i really be with someone who never wants a change of scenery? sometimes, i feel trapped. stuck in a situation where he refuses to appreciate new views. Boy never wants to go anywhere with me, like we don't even go to wendy's . He's complacent in the same place. sometimes it'd be nice to see something new with someone who makes you feel new. i don't know if i can do it folks. i like to be outside, experience life, be with someone who would like to be seen with me, i'm fairly fly looking. i always feel under the radar. but just with him. oh and this other boy. lets call other boy2. this boy2 is from my past... and we played a nonchalant game of flirty russian roulette for months. one day i'd see him, no attention. the next day, no attention. one random day, mad attention. next day, no attention... attention all used up. it shouldn't be that complicated. being happy shouldn't be complex. it should just be. natural and beautiful. i want something beautiful. gosh.

and comparison's are never good. so i wont compare him to other people. things with him aren't that serious, he's good at reminding me of that. so i have options open. there's something oddly magnetic about him. its not like i keep coming back, but more like i'm okay with staying.

i got a compliment today. someone told me my new york poem was somewhat perfect. i felt honored. the poem felt like a milestone to me when i was writing it. its what i do best. love poems and metaphors... the marriage of the two equals my poetry. the reality of the those two equals my sadness. i mean, when you write about things you don't feel and don't have, it's like a sad reminder of the things you feel like you're not supposed to have. get me? yes i'm young. but loneliness feels strong at any age... i was almost about to say the same but thats not exactly what i'm trying to convey. but back to the poem... i'm proud of it. i'm performing it on thursday at this venue in philly. thumsb up for me. i'm trying to get into this performing game hard core. but i'm still trying to find my poetic voice in terms of performing. my voice sounds uncomfortable on a stage, it doesn't do my words justice. anyone feel like coaching me? sweet.

i read this quote somewhere that talked about your soul shows itself at two times: fear and joy. how do you get someone to stop being scared so you can just be?

my neck, abdomen and ears all break out when exposed to costume jewlery. im allergic to fake shit. it's in my genes. what's a woman gotta do to be around real people? who are honest in their intentions... we all have intentions and expectations, its just a matter of how open we are to having those intentions and expectations be shattered to the actuality of life.

to the term catching a nap... what do i do once i caught it? do i cage it?
anacaona