Monday, August 31, 2009

"i crossed the line didn't i?"

i have a tendency to try and make myself someone's only option so that i'm automatically the priority. this stems from always feeling like i was second best. if you are competing with no one, you automatically win. this mentality is crazy hazardous and i am trying to work through out. but i tell you after years of thinking like this and building walls up against people, breaking it is mighty hard. this manifests itself in my insecurities and my jealous tendencies. 

i've been going through a lot. clearly, my past posts have been ridiculous! and i think because my life is somewhat out of control i'm trying to grab ahold of the one thing that seems secure. which i suppose is my relationship right now. i can't have this aspect crumble the way everything else is. but like i said before i'm a self-sabotager. so i'll find ways to damage things that won't be damaged otherwise. so i think by me trying so hard to hold onto him that i'm just choking the patience out of him and he'll leave. 

i have serious abandonment issues. and i don't know where they come from. how bizarre. i'm usually pretty good at assessing myself. 

i'm taking steps to try and fix my life. but my parents seem to have thrown me away. in terms of i'm the only one making my decisions and they aren't lending any helping hands. i'm 19. that's a pretty difficult thing. they aren't even offering their input which i desperately need right now. i'm exploring a few options but this recession is no joke. and all my options involve some type of money. funny how money isn't the root to happiness but it can sure make shit a lot easier so that you are happy. i hope by the end of the wack i have something figured out. i kind of need something to rejuvenate me and give me motivation. i'm definitely lacking that. hopefully i find it soon. you ever just need support? that'd be me. 

i contemplated whether or not to be on depression medication again. i'm going to opt out of it. it just makes me so numb. but i'm able to function. but that numbness is unsettling sometimes. its as if life is happening and you aren't really there. at least thats how it was for me the last time i took medicine. 

i'm gonna start blogging about something other than my messed up state of mind. lol. i do have other thoughts people. i promise. but i don't feel like i have another outlet to vent to. crazy how i don't even know who i'm venting to but it makes me feel better. 

oooh so my 30 day poem challenge did not go that well. the first like 2.5 weeks were great. then the last week and a half was shaky. so i'm gonna try it again in october. i'm using september as a transition month to get my life in order. so hopefully once i do that, i can be in a state of mind to write. and do something. 

at a crossroads

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