Sunday, August 30, 2009

venting.

you ever look back at your life and say to yourself that you weren't supposed to be like this? 

i had all the potential in the world when i was growing up. i could be anything in the world and look at me now. the only thing i am is unhappy. it wasn't supposed to be like this. i feel like i got no one in my corner and i'm just fighting to keep my head above water. always fighting, my arms are tired. always running, my legs are tired. my heart hurts. 

nothing is going right. it's hard. i've been making decisions late and now i'm just assed out. i haven't slept in about three days. my life is in shambles. i got no one. i barely have myself and i know that's a shame. you should always be your greatest ally but if your not proud of urself, it's hard to support yourself. 

i'm being tempted by old habits. things that i have no business thinking of doing but old habits die hard. i'm shameful. and i'm sorry about the venting but i guess this was more for me than anyone else. 

i need to make some major changes in my life. but i don't know where to start. i made a list, well i attempted to make a list and it looked like chicken scratch. and i'm attempting to tackle this list but i keep falling into dead ends. tomorrow or i guess later today i'm gonna make some phone calls. maybe i can get my life back on track. 

i'm getting rid of my distractions. so i'm deactivating my facebook. and getting rid of my twitter. too many people have access to me and it's just not good. it's not like they're helping me. you can be in a room full of people and still feel alone. so i'm eliminating the room full of people and just dealing with myself. i hide behind unimportant things. defense mechanism. 

my family is disappointed in me. and have let me go so to speak. he hates me. and i don't blame him. who would want to be with me being the way that i am? ever feel like God gave up on you? maybe its karma. i gave up on God a long time ago, maybe my actions are being reciprocated. call it blasphemy if you want. 

i know i won't sleep tonight. i can feel it. new days can't come if you are still holding on to the old ones.

it wasn't supposed to be like this.
...

1 comment:

Navaja said...

I think you should just eliminate the negativity around you. You're in that stage of life where you "wonder why?" This is normal! You could get rid of all those social networking sites but then again there's a lot of opportunity there, just know how to look for it. :)