Friday, August 28, 2009


i've had too much inspiration
to contain in my fingers
(read: i haven't written a poem in days)
i've attempted crafty one liners
tried to separate my soul
into syllables and sentences
i've been unsuccessful
i can break
i'm good at breaking myself
i can build walls
and tear them down
but i've managed to cross my own boundaries
tear at my foundation
i don't exist anymore
i'm just surviving
my bank is hunched
i believe, permanently so
the weight of my world 
has replaced my vertebrae
there is nothing protecting my backbone 
but burdens
i'm weak
i kiss him like insecurities
i kiss him with insecurities
sometimes i might smell like sex
some mistake it for slut
but rape smells different to other people
my hands are soft
so maybe i haven't worked hard
but my feet are calloused
constant running 
has turned into a job
in and of itself
i keep my nails long
to leave scratches on his back
in case he forgets me
i have one of those
"excuse me what did you say that was" 
kind of names
so i've found ways to make myself memorable
cushion his dick
between the only walls i haven't managed to tear down
he calls me home
i guess that's close enough
i'm a crier
it's shameful
but sometimes when i can't breathe
the oxygen in my tears
can be soothing
it's amazing
the lies we tell ourselves to heal
all the crying in the world
won't reduce the amount of disappointment
i've cultivated
self-pity won't pay back loans
or give me one more chance
i'm overwhelmed
my mind is scattered 
i'm the bigger person
teenager forced to be an adult
too often
but never allowed to grow up
if you are a mother of three
with you're own life to lead
leave mine alone
blood relations is no excuse for bitch
i'm sorry for whatever you have been told
i dish out what i can take
if you can't then perhaps you should just mind your children
i am angry
i've had months of festering hatred
eating at my insides
my chest hurts
giving back the rib i never meant to borrow 
has left a gaping hole
i'm caving in on myself
there is no light
at the end of black holes
but i'd settle for disappearing
anything is better than crying
anything is better than this
i don't know has overtaken my vocabulary
years of schooling
years of life
have been reduced to uncertainty
i'm trying to be quiet
when you apologize for apologizing
it's like a double negative
you might as well have kept your mouth shut
i've been talking lately
just to keep from thinking
i'm dangerous
not in a attractive way
dangerous like
blood looks better when its on top of my skin
rather than being confined 
my organs are selfish
and unnecessary 
once i stop swallowing my pride
i won't need my stomach
i'm a smoker
killing myself slowly cause 
if i did it any faster they would call me selfish
and say they couldn't see it coming
lies go down easier 
when someone's voice is six feet under yours
i'm a drinker
but if my mind could be on public display
you'd need a few drinks too
i'm a self sabotager
i can ruin my life without any help from you
call me self sufficient
but i'm all i need to hate myself
often i'm uncomfortable
do you hear her moans instead of mine
it's silly
but girlfriend and best friend
might be interchangeable 
i want a nickname
not now that i've announced but yesterday
a nickname would have been nice
but thats something between you two
heavy breathing
pillow talk
and my jealousy gets the best of me
yes i'm jealous
yes i admit it
perhaps you might leave me
i'm terribly scared of being alone
i enjoy my own company only as a last resort
i wouldn't wish me upon my worst enemy
yes i can be that bad
i'm scared of the dark
i hate not knowing
surprises make me nauseous
mistakes shouldn't be born
they should be covered up
i can be horrible
did i say i was scattered?
cause if i didn't then i'm sorry
cause i am
i've traded in my metaphors
i don't like my as too much these days
trying to ground myself in reality
sometimes its not dark like anything
sometimes its just dark
i've had too much inspiration
to contain in my fingers
(read: i haven't written a poem in days)


No comments: